Radical Diversity

The Collapse of Capitalism

2011-11-21T16:43:00.001-05:00

I was at a family gathering yesterday, the naming of a new cousin of mine. My cousin earns more money than I do. So do her friends (or so it seemed, anyway). The celebration was lovely and I very much enjoyed spending time with family I see infrequently. Yet, having spent time at Occupy Toronto just days before and having been laid off just weeks ago, I couldn't help noticing what people were wearing, how big the house was, how my financial situation is quite different from my cousin's, and how it's also in much better shape than some of my friends and acquaintances.In Canada, we don't talk much about class. We tend to build friendships within the same class as ourselves. But we don't talk about it. We also tend to live in the same class we were raised (or we try to move up). And class is complicated. Most of us earn interest and have savings of some kind. Yet most of us also have debt even if we own property.But in truth, there are only 2 classes. The working class who don't receive most of the benefit of their labours and the owning class who receive the benefits of the labour of others. The middle class is really the working class with a little more access to education and medical care, and a little more job security (although this last one in particular is quickly fading).The Occupy Movement is highlighting the 1% who benefit from the labours of the other 99%. In many ways, this comes across as blaming the wealthy. From what I can tell, blaming the wealthy only reinforces the problem.Capitalist society, as we know it, is collapsing. Our economic systems are faltering and the people are protesting. I don't know what will replace our current economic system, but I do know that if it's going to be better than what we have now, we each need to work on our classism. In the most basic terms, we need to decide that people are more important than profits. Always. We need to remember that the owning class are people. We need to remember that the working class are people. We need to remember that the police are people. We need to remember that the homeless are people. If this movement is truly going to bring about something sustainable and good, it needs to bring ALL people with it. We all need to look at our feelings about those in other classes (wealthier and poorer) if we are to have any shot and making things better.

Raised Into Oppressor Roles

2011-10-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

When working toward the end of oppression, it's crucial to look at the ways systems of oppression hurt targeted groups. And within that, it can be relatively easy to look at the ways we and the people of our constituent group have been targeted and hurt. As a Jew and a woman, I can easily talk about how hard anti-Semitism and sexism are for me, for Jews, and for women.But we also need to look at how we and the people of our constituent group have been hurt in order to take on the role of being oppressors. No human is born wanting to be an oppressor. In fact, children of oppressor groups need to be treated horribly in order for their human-ness to close down enough that they feel OK exploiting or hurting others. What makes it trickier is that often when these children are being treated horribly, they are told, over and over again, that they have it good, that they are the lucky ones.Every time we do something mean to someone else, our oppressor recordings are playing out. We've all done it and we all need to work on expunging those recordings if we're actually going to end oppression.But the trick is not to get stuck in feeling guilty about it. We didn't choose to be part of oppressor groups and we didn't ask to perpetuate systems of oppression. It's not our fault. And yet, we have the recordings and we need to rid ourselves of them.So these next few weeks, I invite you to tell someone about a time you were mean. Not by way of confession, but in order to look at the recordings you carry so you can begin to let them go. As you tell the story, see if you, as a young one, were ever treated the way you treated subject of your story. My hunch is there's a hurt in there waiting to be healed and doing so will free you of the oppressor recordings you carry.Will you let me know how it goes?

Budget Cuts and Luxury Bathrooms

2011-09-16T10:32:00.000-04:00

Waiting in the doctor's office yesterday, I was reading the Greater Toronto section of The Star Newspaper. Most of the cover and first inside page were all about Mayor Rob Ford's proposed budget cuts - to libraries, food aid programs, affordable housing programs, subsidized day care, public transportation, etc. The majority of these cuts will hit hardest on those living with poverty and the working poor. On the opposite page of the paper, mirroring how life for the non-rich is getting harder, is an almost full page article on the fanciest washrooms in Canada. Vast marble floors, heated toilet seats, fine metals and sparkling surfaces.The juxtaposition made me want to throw up.I have been told that the reason it is economically unwise to raise corporate and income taxes of the wealthiest is so that they won't run to live and do business in the U.S. But from what I can tell, there will always be an owning class and wealthy corporations in Toronto. And from everything I know about human beings, we would all be better off if those fancy washrooms were just a little less fancy and the thousands of Torontonians who depend on social programs to survive were able to depend on them - and survive.Just earlier this week, The Globe and Mail published an article on the growing income inequality in Canada. The way capitalism is playing out in Canada (and south of the border, for sure) is that the rich are getting richer and everyone else is left to work harder for less payoff. This stinks and it needs to end.I'm all in favour tax increases - when they make sense and think well about all the people of our city. People are more important than profits. Period.

Circumcising our Son

2011-06-09T13:21:00.004-04:00

I recently gave birth to a boy. Early in my pregnancy, my partner and I embarked on a journey to explore brit milah (Jewish circumcision) and decide if we would perform the ritual should our baby be male (which we wouldn't know until birth).

We read extensively. We spoke to people around the globe. We navigated the vast spectrum of our own feelings about it. We discussed our thinking about it.

Brit Milah is both a symbol of the child's covenant with God and it is the child's entrance into the Jewish community. For either of these functions, it is a ritual that is far outside the parameters of my understanding of God and of community, and a far distance from how I lead my Jewish life.

The ritual is only performed on boys, and not just that, but it is on a boy's sex organ. This sets up covenantal relationship as exclusively patriarchal in the extreme with a built-in sexual piece that doesn't make sense to me. It is the epitome, perhaps even the creator, of the "boys club" and there is nothing sacred or covenantal about it. If this is really the symbol God wants, then it is a God I cannot believe in. And, it is a symbol of covenant that is entered into by an non-consenting (and unaware) infant.

Further, and even more troubling for me, it is a violent act. It is a violent act that the community gathers to witness. The trauma is not only sustained by the infant, but also by all those who witness it. The Jewish people have had so much trauma and violence in our recent history that voluntarily adding to it under the guise of celebration doesn't make any sense to me. It's not good for us. It doesn't help us. Our people need healing, not additional hurts. This initiation rite does not support a healthy and vibrant Jewish community. It makes it harder for our community to thrive because it's so emotionally taxing.

Of the many mothers of circumcised boys that I've spoken with over the last several months, most had such a difficult time at the bris they couldn't even be in the room and most of the remaining moms were in the room physically, but sat at the back crying surrounded by friends - almost always female friends. A mother must close her heart to her son in order to allow a brit milah to happen. It is never good to close our hearts.

So we have a patriarchal ritual that physically and religiously banishes and traumatizes women, that invokes violence on an infant, that traumatizes men, and that marks a boy's penis as the central marker of what is meant to be a sacred covenant.

For me, brit milah is neither sacred nor about community.

My partner and I had decided that we would not circumcise our son. We had told our parents and a small number of friends about our decision. At the time, there were very few questions asked.

And then he was born.

And with his birth came an immense and powerful wave of emotion about brit milah from the adults surrounding us. The feelings were enormous. Most of what came at us was fear - fear our son will be made fun of, fear he won't feel Jewish, fear he won't be Jewish, fear he won't be accepted by the community, fear that synagogues won't allow him to have a Bar Mitzvah or get married. Many discussions were had, all with non-compelling arguments about why brit milah is a good thing (or at least not such a bad thing).

My partner and I were expecting feelings to come up. And we were expecting that our son would need to navigate social encounters as he grew older - encounters we would be mindful and skillful to help him navigate. What we weren't expecting was the forcefulness and magnitude of the upset.

I lived in Jerusalem for three years and in New York City for five. In both of those places, I was part of Jewish communities that were vibrant, creative, engaging, invigorating, and dynamic. MI moved back to Toronto almost three years ago and it was clear that the Toronto Jewish community is very conservative, and that many vibrant and lively discussions and debates that occur in other communities just don't happen here. Circumcision is one of them. Here, the idea that we wouldn't circumcise our son was shocking for people, as if it was a concept they had never before encountered.

Given that my partner and I intend to live here, possibly forever, it suddenly felt as if not doing a brit milah might set our family up for a constant battle - a scenario that felt too big for us to take on alone.

And so, against our values and beliefs, against our thoughtful Jewish practice, against our true desires to teach our son to fight for what he believes to be right, we succumbed to social pressure and had a brit milah performed on our 8-day-old son.

It was a private event. It was awful. He screamed through most of it. My partner and I were both in tears through all of it. We are both upset that we did it - and we know that not doing it felt like it would be worse.

I don't know how the Toronto community would react had we not done it. But I do know that I'm ready to open this conversation.

The "Don't Say Gay" bill in Tennessee

2011-05-24T18:42:00.002-04:00

I'm re-directing as the original, with it's video, is so great.

Click here It's OK to be Takei! for a short but terrific piece on the ridiculous bill being considered in Tennessee.

Writing a Sex Ed Curriculum

2011-04-28T18:14:00.005-04:00

I recently wrote a sex ed. curriculum for middle school. It was an enjoyable project in many ways. And while I was writing it, I noticed something quite interesting.

As I'm sure you know, 10 and 11 year-olds are quite familiar with terms like "blow job" and "sex", as well as terms like "bitch" and "jerk off". In preparing to teach young people about sex, the terminology they come in with from the world around them offers something of a starting point.

But as I began to put the curriculum together, I noticed that teaching about female pleasure somehow seemed not as appropriate to teach 12 year-olds as male pleasure. Similarly, I noticed that including information about straight sex seemed important, but that including information about gay sex was 'too much.'

And then I realized that this is how homophobia and sexism seep into things like sex ed. curricula. To talk about male pleasure but not female pleasure, to talk about straight sex but not gay sex is discrimination. Plain and simple.

I understand the desire and well-intentioned thinking of parents and educators who want to ensure that what gets taught to young people is appropriate for their age. At the same time, I understand that sex is political and sex education is more than just teaching young people where babies come from. To create a sex ed. curriculum that is discriminatory, that re-enforces the idea that gay sex is taboo or outside the realm of normal, or that female pleasure is secondary to male pleasure, perpetuates the very mindsets that keeps our society distressed and confused about sex, gender and human intimacy - confusions we are all familiar with.

It is vital that we examine what makes something feel taboo or inappropriate. My guess is that, more often than not, that feeling is rooted in discrimination of some kind.

Let us not get stuck in the feeling of taboo. Instead, let us think well about each other, about our children, and about working to end discrimination in all its forms.

The Taboo of Birth

2011-03-23T13:11:00.003-04:00

I am currently in my 8th month of pregnancy and the baby still feels like an alien. As I prepare for the birth, I am noticing how scared I am.

Birth is one of the most natural processes of human life. We've been doing it for as long as we've existed, yet it feels alien to me - and terrifying.

It seems that many women are terrified of birth, which is partly why so many women choose to have drugs, to be medicated by narcotics, to make the process seem easier.

But something about this makes me very angry - not at women for choosing epidurals, but to our society for making birth and female reproductive health such a taboo issue. Somehow videos of birth are deemed to be too grotesque to be seen on TV, even though we seem to be fine with graphic violence and images of genocide. Somehow the only images of birth in movies are images of chaos and pain in hospitals rather than natural births where things are often much calmer. Somehow, women's reproductive health is again relegated to a room over there where you're not supposed to look until you need to - and as a result our societal views of birth are skewed and often frightening.

I know that my fears are due to a lack of exposure to successful healthy natural birth stories and a lack of personal experience witnessing birth. As I move toward the birth of my first child, I am acutely aware of how angry I am for being set up that way.

I wonder what it would take to put women's reproductive health ahead of violence in our media. I wonder what it would take to hear stories of natural childbirth just as often, if not more, than we hear stories of hospitals and what went wrong.

I wonder what it would take for women to not be afraid of the processes of their own bodies.

Wisconsin, Unions and the Working Class

2011-03-06T11:17:00.003-05:00

In Wisconsin, the unions of the public sector are being stripped of their powers - and thereby of their incomes. I understand that governments, particularly in the US, are in deep financial trouble (the state of Rhode Island recently declared bankruptcy!), but I can't stomach that it always seems to be the working class who are asked to take one for the national "team."

If state governments, and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, are strapped for cash, why are they not going after the salaries of Governors and Senators and Congresspeople? Why are they not looking at ways of putting limits on the salaries of those at the higher end of the pay scale? Why are they not raising corporate taxes and the income taxes of the nations wealthiest?

The answer is obvious - politics and classism.

And the classism is heavy and rampant. Many individuals, here in Toronto and around the world, are so ready to attack unions for being greedy and draining public funds. But our public systems depend on these workers and our idea that they should earn less money than us is nothing other than prejudice. As we move to finding new economic systems, we must be careful about the ways we think about class and wealth. The working class is often blamed for economic ills and are often the ones hit hardest by economic reform. I anticipate this happening with more and more force in the coming years.

As an alternative, let's see if we can find ways for the middle and owning classes to be totally satisfied with less money. Let us strive for a new economic system that puts people ahead of profit. Let's not go shopping to boost the economy (sorry George Bush), but instead let's put our brains together and figure out a system that is sustainable and advantages to all.

Egypt's Uprising

2011-02-25T12:33:00.003-05:00

The uprisings that has been spreading throughout the Arab world has been amazing to watch. And currently, Libya is certainly drawing my attention.

But I'd like to go back a bit to say something about Egypt. The timing of Egypt's revolution was sparked by Tunisia, but there is a back story. Egyptians have been planning the uprising since 2006. This is what made the Egyptian protests so successful.

They had been planned and organized - from working with the army to stop looting to picking up trash in Tahrir square, from coordinating strikes to peaceful demonstrations, the Egyptian revolution was organized. The leaders were a group called April 6, who had traveled to learn the art of peacefel protest, community organizing and non-violence. These efforts made a significant difference in the country's ability to mobilize, peacefully uprise and succeed.

It is not luck that helped the Egyptians. It was planning, cooperation and organization.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrNz0dZgqN8

Relationship over Outcome

2011-02-06T20:53:00.003-05:00

I've always been taught to work toward the best outcome - to plan the best program, to do the best job, to give my best thinking, to run the best meeting, to write the best curriculum, to edit the piece piece, etc etc.

These are good goals, no doubt, but they often come at a cost. I wonder what would happen if we made relationships, not outcomes, the highest priority.

It might mean that the piece I edit isn't the best piece, but that my relationship with the writer is one that is thoughtful and exciting. It might mean that the program I plan isn't the best program, but that those I work with to produce it have their ideas and facilitation as part of it - even if they aren't the best facilitators.

It might also mean that in the process of producing outcomes, the supervisor doesn't feel lonely and the employees don't feel frustrated. It might also mean that working relationships develop to be stronger and more enjoyable. It might also mean that we learn to value each other as full human beings.

Outcomes are important, but people are more important. It so often happens that we give up on the relationships in order to have the "best" outcomes. If it were the other way around, we may advance a little slower, but it would be a much better journey for all of us.

Being Middle Class

2011-01-23T17:52:00.002-05:00

We rarely talk about classism. Sometimes in a global context we talk about unequal wealth distribution. Sometimes in a local context, we talk about minimum wage and living wage. Sometimes there is talk about how much of our country's wealth is held by what percent of the population. But in our personal and professional relationships, we rarely talk about class.

I was raised middle class - the class bred to be managers. I've been taught, throughout my life, how to see the big picture, how to be organized, how to set up systems, how to be efficient and effective. And for the most part, I do all those things very well. In fact, when someone else is in charge, if it looks to me that they're not doing it well, I often get angry or frustrated.

Recently, however, I've come to understand that when I expect others to act as I would, particularly from people raised working class or raised poor, I perpetuate classism and limit my ability to have good relationships across lines of class.

The tendency toward criticism may aim to make a project or program go better, but that 'improvement' comes at a great cost. In the bigger picture, it makes more sense for me to back those who were raised working class or poor to take on leadership and to trust their thinking. This would shift how classism sits in our very classist society.

Making space for people can be incredibly difficult to do, but it is, without a doubt, the most important way to counter any system of oppression. Within classism, a system closely connected to economics and money, making space for people often relates to being less 'productive', something we've all been trained to believe is the most important thing.

But making space for people is more important. Relationships are actually the most important thing. All the rest is secondary.

Women Feeling Ugly

2011-01-03T17:03:00.002-05:00

I've been working with middle and high school students for over a decade, and one thing that never fails to be an issue is how badly adolescent girls feel about their looks. Their bodies, their hair, their voice, everything. They all think they're ugly. All the time.

What strikes me most is that so many educators and parents think this is normal. It's average, and certainly common, but there's nothing normal about it. It's actually quite messed up.

I don't think there is a single body part of women that hasn't been targeted by some form of surgical or cosmetic fix. I don't think there's a single body hair that hasn't been labeled as beastly or out of place. I don't there's any message about women's looks that places our appearance as unimportant compared to our minds. Even successful women are shown with make up and hair dos and careful clothing choices.

This effects us all deeply.

What's worse, is that women never quite loose the ugly feeling. For the lucky ones, it calms and dissipates some. But it never really goes away. Women often bond over the places where we feel bad about ourselves. Women often seek partners based on how they feel about their looks (and the reassurances they feel they need). Women spend vast amounts of money and undergo unhealthy and painful activities - all in order to try to reach an unreachable ideal.

All this is horrible. But what's even more troubling is that all this is so incredibly distracting that it prevents us from making changes to our lives and to our world. We're so worried about how we look, about others will perceive us, that we give up on leading big lives. And as a result, sexism stays firmly in place, and with it, all other forms of oppression.

In order for the revolution to happen, women and girls need to somehow, someway, stop feeling ugly. Women need to remember that any time we feel bad about ourselves, it's an untrue message that somehow took hold. In truth, every human being is beautiful. This, in particular, is true of you.

The Opposite of a New Year's Resolution

2010-12-26T20:09:00.002-05:00

New Years is famous for the resolutions people make. The new beginning offers a fresh start to do right what thus far we've done wrong, or to do better what thus far we haven't done very well.

But I'd like us to make a different kind of choice this new years.

When we work toward ending discrimination, when we work toward unraveling the ways we hold harshness and judgment, when we work toward being creative actors in a world of unaware reactors, we are in constant movement forward. We likely need to choose again and again, perhaps hundreds of times a day, not to give up or to give in, not to let go of hope, not to give up on each other, but the choice is not about a new year's resolution - it's about a commitment to continue moving forward.

As the hopefulness of new years arrives, let us hold onto the hope by reaching to be closer to people around us, by finding relationships with people of a different race, or class, or religion than our own, by being an ally to someone across a line of difference. These are practices, not resolutions, and we must choose them again and again, every day.

This year, may we delight in the people around us, may we be forgiving of our own mistakes while taking more risks in someone's direction, may we be forgiving of others' mistakes while we invite them to join our revolution.

Poem

2010-12-13T08:42:00.003-05:00

And then all that has divided us will merge

And then compassion will be wedded to power

And then softness will come to a world that is harsh and unkind

And then both men and women will be gentle

And then both women and men will be strong

And then no person will be subject to another’s will

And then all will be rich and free and varied

And then the greed of some will give way to the needs of many

And then all will share equally in the Earth’s abundance

And then all will care for the sick and the weak and the old

And then all will nourish the young

And then all will cherish life’s creatures

And then all will live in harmony with one another and the Earth

And then everywhere will be called Eden once again.

- Judy Chicago

The Christmas Season

2010-11-28T17:18:00.004-05:00

I remember a few years ago going to buy toothpaste at a local drug store chain. It was December and Christmas was all around. When I went into the store there was Christmas music playing, but it wasn't generic Christmas or winter music, it was religious song about Baby Jesus.

Last spring I was at a diversity training outside Philadelphia. There was a white Protestant woman who defined ethnocentrism as the practice of immigrant groups keeping to themselves, holding onto their own traditions and resisting becoming American. I responded that when "American" means Christian, her definition poses a real problem. I named my experiences as a Jew at this time of year as an example.

I love the lights. I love decorated houses. I love some of the holiday movies. What I don't like is the way the holiday will pervade every corner of public life for the next month. What I don't like is that we toot our multi-cultural horn the rest of the year but somehow forget that other people live in this city too. What I don't like is that the rest of us are supposed to suck it up as a way of showing our Christmas cheer (despite many cultural histories of ethnic and religious violence, precisely around Christmas and Easter).

This year, please take a moment to notice the people in your life who don't celebrate Christmas. Please find a way of listening to their voice, of offering them some breathing room, of not assuming they like the season. Please create space for all of us.

Omar Khadr

2010-10-31T22:02:00.003-04:00

I know there are rules of war, but this I don't understand. How is it that the United States Army can invade other countries, bomb their civilians during the night in their homes, have photos released on wikileaks of US soldiers doing abhorrent and deplorable things with the bodies and body parts of their "enemies", but Omar Khadr is charged with war crimes for throwing a grenade that killed one person?

I know there are rules of war, but this I don't understand. The US is a global bully that continues to smack the hands of those who resist, labeling them as terrorists, while it kills thousands, naming it "collateral damage."

I know there are rules of war, but this I don't understand. What, exactly, are the rules? And how, exactly, do they allow the US to behave the way it does - to torture and terrorize, to dehumanize and negate, to dominate and overpower?

I know there are rules of war, but this I don't understand.

Adult Play

2010-10-24T21:11:00.003-04:00

I spent this past weekend with a group of young people ages 5-12. Most of our time was spent playing.

The young people were terrific at it. They were imagining scenes, building forts, climbing trees, chasing each other, skipping stones in the river, playing cards and making up new rules. They were drawing and face painting, singing and laughing, throwing balls and dancing. What was interesting, was that the adults at this particular weekend knew how to play with the young people - letting them set the rules and make the decisions. The adults didn't hesitate to get in there and loose a game while still putting up a challenge, or imagine they were space monsters, or be chased around in circles. The adults I was with knew how to play.

But most of us don't - or to say it better, we don't remember how to play. When we talk about adult play we mean sex and pornography. When we talk about playfulness there is often an insinuation of childishness. We think play means to sign our children up for dance classes or a sports team. Or we think play means taking a young one to the movies. But the truth is play is fun and relaxing and important.

And not only does it help us build close relationships with young people, it also helps us. Laughter is one of the best emotional releases available, particularly when it's with other people we're engaging with (as opposed to our response to someone else's performance). When adults find ways to be playful with other adults, tensions release, nervousness can ease and productivity can actually increase as a result.

Often when adults try to play with young people, we get nervous and anxious and hesitant - all feelings that get in the way of us building close relationships with young people, and with other adults.

This weekend, I was tackled, I tried to climb up a basketball pole(!), I refereed, I chased and was chased, I squished into small spaces, I ran in circles, and most importantly, I laughed with young people and with other adults.

We spend so much time doing all the things we're "supposed" to do - taking care of the urgent, we forget to take time on what's really important - to play and to enjoy each other.

May we all find time this week to play, to be silly, to laugh, to make new rules, to loose on purpose, to have fun. And may we find others to do this all with, building our relationships along the way.

News and Goods

2010-10-17T19:06:00.004-04:00

I work with young people a lot. Mostly grades 1-8, so 6-13 year olds. One thing I like to do is to ask them what going well in their life. I ask them to tell me something new and good.

Almost always, young people have a very hard time answering the question. I tell them to take their time and think about it. Eventually, they come up with something, but it takes them time to get there. Once they find it, they always smile - and usually relax just a little.

I do this because when we remember things that are going well in our lives, we are more likely to be successful at the task at hand. We all spend so much time on what's broken, what we need to fix. We so rarely acknowledge what's going well, we so rarely bring our successes and our joys into our work, or for young people, into school.

Try it for yourself and see. Start each day be telling someone something new and good in your life. Then start asking people to tell you theirs. Especially young people. Watch what happens.

Hiking in Rouge Park

2010-10-11T13:40:00.002-04:00

My partner and I went for a walk yesterday in Rouge Park. It was a beautiful sunny October day with leaves changing colour, the river just starting to get rain and lots of people out for a walk.

As we walked, we passed others out in the sunshine. I always tried to make eye contact and say hello. What I noticed, was that the white folks we passed easily made eye contact, but the people of colour almost always looked down while passing us, and almost always stepped to the side before we had the chance to.

I began thinking of the impacts of racism that could be seen on our simple Sunday walk in the park. Racism teaches that I, as a white person, would prefer that no people of colour be on my walk, that people of colour should be out of my way and non-intrusive. These messages translated to the people of colour that we passed, such that they moved out of "our" way, such that they lowered their heads to pass as inconspicuously as possible.

As I processed this pattern, I began making some choices to counter the messages of racism that were at play. Firstly, I looked further ahead so that I could move out of the way before they did (although this confused many people). Secondly, I said hello and smiled even if they were not looking at me at all. This often resulted in them looking up and smiling, saying hello back.

Even in a city as great and multi-cultural as Toronto, racism is everywhere and it's toxic. It wedges itself between us making it much harder for us to build relationships across racial lines, and making a walk the park a reminder of how much work we still need to.

The work is easy to begin. It starts with a smile and hello.

Being a Cat

2010-09-26T21:50:00.002-04:00

If someone called me a cat, it wouldn't have much impact on me. I might look for some analogy that cats have, one that I'm meant to take as either a compliment or an insult. But cats aren't commonly used in this way. In fact, if someone called me a cat (or a tissue box, or an airplane) it wouldn't have a substantive impact on me because it's clearly nonsense.

But if, on the other hand, someone called me stupid, it would have real emotional impact. In truth, I'm not stupid and the comment would actually be just as nonsensical as if I had been called a cat. But it would have emotional impact because somewhere, perhaps in a salient place and perhaps deeply hidden, I believe that it's true.

This happens for all of us. We all hold untrue ideas about our lack, our unworthiness, our short-comings, that somehow we believe. [And I know that you might be thinking something like, "But I'm actually not that smart. No really, it's true."

No. It's not.

Human beings are brilliant creatures and any time we think that we aren't smart enough, or capable enough, or strong enough, or creative enough, we can name those 'beliefs' as messages that somehow got taught to us somewhere along the way. None of them are true. All they do is hold us back from going after the big lives we want to have, from working together to build the cooperative communities we want to live in, from reaching for each other to create the thoughtful and caring society we want to build.

Anytime you believe one of those messages - we all loose. Instead, let us choose to not believe the messages. We may need to decide a hundred times a day, but eventually we will recognize that we're not cats and we're not stupid, and we're not weak, and we're not cowardly and we're not dull.

We are incredible.
And we can accomplish whatever we set our minds to.

Having a Miscarriage

2010-09-19T20:07:00.004-04:00

I had a miscarriage in June. I was 7 weeks pregnant.

It's taboo to say that, I know. But I'm not sure why it's taboo. When I told friends that I was pregnant, some said things like, "Don't tell people so early in case something goes wrong!" But the thing is, when something did go wrong, I had a lot of people around me ready to support me immediately. I wanted them to know - in case something went wrong - but also in case everything went right. I told people because when some asks me what's going on, I want to tell them. I told them because the taboo makes things harder for women.

The worst part of my experience of miscarriage was how terrified I was - in large part because I just didn't know what was happening. If it hadn't been for a few coincidences that particular day, things could have been much worse. There is no reason, at all, why this should have been so.

Women's health issues, particularly relating to the female reproductive system, are not often discussed - but they should be. There's a way that our silence around issues of women's reproductive health, both at home and around the globe, keep sexism in place - certainly around issues of sexual violence, but also around things as common as miscarriage.

Some of the messages that relate to women's reproductive health are that 'that' part of women's bodies are gross, or aren't the business of men; that talking about pregnancy is bad luck or that we shouldn't want people to know such things. These ideas are messages of sexism that isolate women and relegate our natural biological processes to the walls of a doctor's office.

2/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Since my own miscarriage, I've spoken with a number of women about it. Many confessed that they had had a miscarriage at some point. It was always new information, even from women whom I had told that I was pregnant.

So here's my charge - let's talk about it. Let's tell each other about our health. Let's assume that our own experiences are useful information for the women around us. Let's bring women's reproductive health out of the realm of taboo and into the realm of important.
______________________________
For those who would like to know, here's what happens during a miscarriage:

For any number of reasons, almost all having nothing to do with the actions or inactions of the mother, a fetus may not be viable. In my case, the fetus was located in a corner of my uterus, a location where growth would simply not be possible.

When the body determines that the pregnancy is not viable, it will terminate the pregnancy. It does this by contracting the muscles of the uterus in order to dislodge the fetus. This is much like what happens during birth, except that with a miscarriage, the contractions are violent with intent to terminate the pregnancy. For some women, the cramping (contractions) can be quite painful. The muscle movement causes significant bleeding - mostly of the lining that had been building to protect the fetus.

Once the fetus has been dislodged and the pregnancy terminated, the cramping subsides and the bleeding may continue for up to 2 weeks. The fetus and the remaining protective lining still need to leave the body. If the body does what it needs to do naturally, the fetus will leave through the vagina. In my case, the fetus fell out while I was sitting on the toilet. Some women need medical help to remove the fetus, a procedure akin to an abortion, particularly if the miscarriage happens in a later stage of pregnancy.

There is no set amount of time for a woman to wait before becoming pregnant again. Many women get pregnant quite easily after having a miscarriage. For others, the emotional impact of the experience leaves them to wait some time before trying again.

Miscarriages are so common that only after a woman has 3 miscarriages in a row will doctors investigate the possibility of health problems.

Every birth is truly a miracle.
Let us celebrate our living to the fullest.

Those Casual Comments About Marriage

2010-09-12T22:04:00.006-04:00

It was at kiddush at shul on Rosh Hashanah (aka refreshments after prayer services in synagogue on the Jewish new year). I was chatting with someone on the leadership team of this particular community, not someone I know well, but someone I've interacted with over the last few years.

I was asking him what's its like to be a dad of two children. He shared some of the differences between having one child and having two. Then he added that they will likely have more children. "My wife wants four so we'll have four. You know," he said as if with the extended elbow of a nudge, nudge and a wink wink, "she always gets what she wants."

My jaw dropped and I looked at him a little stunned. I know such comments are commonplace, but I hadn't actually heard one in quite awhile. I had no idea how to respond.

The sexism of the comment was startling, but the comment not only disparaged his wife, it also disparaged him and the relationship the two share. And in some way I was meant to find this funny.

I managed to point out the he likely also has things he wants that he advocates for, and that he sometimes wins. He conceded the point, laughing some. I moved on to the pita and hummus.

But I am still left wondering what it is that pushes men and women to make these all-too-common remarks about marriage, about relationships, about their partners and about themselves. How did these kinds of remarks make their way to be acceptable forms of small talk? And why do we so often smile and pretend it doesn't matter?

It does matter.
Very much.

The First Day of School

2010-09-06T20:34:00.004-04:00

It seems that everything gets a little tighter this time of year. Everyone seems a little nervous, a little not sure what's going to happen next. It seems that money gets a little tighter, that people's tempers are a little shorter, that people's thinking is a little more rigid.

For most of us, school was hard and September reminds of that in all kinds of overt and subtle ways. School marked the end of summer relaxation, the end of play, and a return to rigid structures, harsh teachers and big workloads. Even for those of us whose schedules no longer start in September, the tightness of our school days still lingers strong.

As we move through these next weeks, let us remember to breathe space into that which seems tight, to slow down when everything starts to move very quickly, and let us remember, above all else, to reach for the people around us.

Sterning a Canoe

2010-08-29T22:20:00.008-04:00

I recently returned from a 10-day canoe trip with my partner. It was delicious and delightful in every way.

Part of what I loved about it was coming face-to-face with some of the places I often get stuck. On this trip, it came out in my continued efforts to stern the canoe. My trouble is similar to what makes it hard for me to succeed at video games - I always over-correct. If the canoe is steering a little to the right, I push us too far to the left and then too far to the right, etc. I seem to have a hard time going in a straight line.

Over the course of the ten days, I came to realize that a small change in our direction made a difference in where the canoe headed. This, as we often forget, is true in life as well. Even when enormous issues are at hand, when it seems that everything needs major change, it may be that a small, subtle even simple change in our own effort can actually have significant results - landing us at a different destination.

Over-correcting while sterning the canoe was decidedly unhelpful. Over-correcting in life is as well. Most often, it is the smallest adjustments that make the biggest difference.

If We Want It, We Have to Ask

2010-07-25T23:55:00.002-04:00

I come across many people who wait, often resentful or angry, for something to change.

I meet parents who wait for their partners to step up in family life, people who wait for their careers to take off, adult children who wait for their parents to not be so rigid, friends who wait for tough friendships to get better.

But if we want a change, we have to ask for it and be willing to change our own patterns to make it happen. A dear friend of mine, who has been unhappy for years, finally said to me the other week, "I'm ready to not feel so bad about myself all the time." It was a fantastic statement, but once we started talking about what that meant, there were many defenses that came up. After some time I paused and simply stated, "If you want your life to go differently, you have to change your behaviour. If you want your relationships to go differently, you have to change how you interact."

We walk around with so much discouragement that we assume we won't be able to get what we want, or go after what we want - and so we don't ask, we don't try, and instead we stay stuck playing out the patterns that reinforce the exact pieces we're quietly hoping will change. And we wait for someone else to do something.

This isn't helpful and it doesn't work.

Let us find the courage to set our lives up the way we want them. Let us find teammates to help make it happen. And let us have patience to make mistakes and keep trying anyway.

Yawning Your Way to Better Life

2010-07-18T18:43:00.006-04:00

My partner hurt his vocal chords recently and began an investigation into the musculature and physiology of how we make sound. In his research he came across the recommendation to yawn. Yawning actively releases tension in the muscles of our throat, jaw and neck. This relieves the physical impacts of stress, tension and anxiety and thus supports healthy and relaxed bodies.

What I found so interesting about this, is that I have been taught that yawning also releases fear, anxiety and even embarrassment and humiliation. This kind of emotional release supports healthy and relaxed emotional selves.

When our emotionality and physicality are supported and relaxed, our lives go better.

Yawn big.
Yawn often.
Tell your friends.

Sex at Summer Camp

2010-07-11T16:11:00.004-04:00

I spent this past weekend at a summer camp. It's a camp on the smaller side with lots of inter-age friendships and a strong community.

But I had forgotten the extent to which sex and sexuality play large. For any summer camp that houses young people in their teens and early twenties, these issues are bound to come up. As I watched and noticed, I couldn't help but be struck by how sexism and men's oppression were colliding over and over again. And how none of the adults seemed to be paying any attention to it at all.

The culture of sexism and men's oppression was so strong that any attempt to name or interrupt it was mocked, the person not having a sense of humor, or being too rigid (or frigid). From what I was told in a very light joking manner, there are pages from pornography magazines on the wall in the staff lounge, there are tales of sexual exploits, staff getting very little sleep.

For me, the most worrying part was hearing stories of how the younger female campers were making decisions based on what the boys would find "hot." Their decisions about what to wear, what to say, how to behave, what to show interest in, came significantly from how the boys would see their choice. I remember being a tween and early teen and doing the very same thing. I also remember seeing some girls my age catching the boys' attention and getting swept up into a world I didn't come to know until many years later. I remember how occupied those girls were with every detail of making sure their boyfriends were happy with them. I remember how quickly they moved from one boyfriend to another.

I find these matters very confusing. Both young men and young women have genuine interest in and curiosity about sexuality, yet there are heaping layers of sexism and men's oppression on top of the curiosity that blurs the thinking of young men and women in ways that are toxic. Many young people enter into sexual exploration before they really want to and with little or no guidance from adults around them.

I wonder what it would look like to have a summer camp free of sexism, men's oppression and homophobia - or at least to have a staff aware enough to think well about themselves and their campers to make better choices about camp rules, about how to have discussions with boys and girls, about navigating their own sexually-oriented behaviours.

I want to be an adult who stays close to teens as they go through adolescence. I want to think well about young women and men. I want to let them be curious, while ensuring that their decisions are free from the weight of oppression. I want you to join me.

Christians, Muslims and Jews

2010-07-05T08:38:00.007-04:00

I spent 3 days last week at a Scriptural Reasoning conference at Huron College. Scriptural Reasoning, known as SR, is a practice of Muslims, Christians and Jews studying sacred text together. It was wonderful.

The practice offers a structure for members of faith communities to engage in a substantive way. The discourse, the study, the dialogue was engaging and, most importantly, meaningful.

The study of text was delightful and interesting, yet it was not the texts that made the real impact on me. What was most amazing was that the practice allowed us to build relationships across lines of difference. It allowed us to show ourselves and to see others. It encouraged us to reach for each other - not to be converted, but to be heard and to listen. These are the very things I yearn for every day. I am always wanting and searching for opportunities to reach for people who are different than me, for I know that it is in those spaces that life and liberation grow.

May we continue to reach for each other.
May we disagree with each other and stay in relationship anyway.
May we find each other in the passages of what is most important to us.

Black Bandanas and Riot Gear: The G20 in Toronto

2010-06-27T21:50:00.003-04:00

Again, I'm furious, and sad.

The Protesters
I disagree with violent protests for many reasons, but most troublesome to me is that protester violence frightens ordinary citizens and prevents them from calling out against injustice. Violence scares people. When the police are scary and the protesters are scary, then people just stay home. This is the opposite of what activism is all about. This will not move us toward our goal. This is not making strategic use of the opportunity the G20 posed.

The G20 Security Organizers
It makes sense for someone to think about how to keep everyone safe when protests are to be expected. Unfortunately, the police thinking seems to have been on how to show that Toronto has muscle. If the preparation had not cost a billion dollars, if additional police had not been flown in, if the summit wasn't so terrified of protesters, I wonder if the violence would have come out in the way it did, or if it would have come at all. The militarization of the G20 was not thinking about public safety - neither was police behaviour in response to it.

The G20 is meant to think well about people. So let us start by creating a summit that does not pit police against citizen, but finds a way to allow people to show their anger and their frustration at governmental policy and be heard.

When we blame each other, we've lost. When we reach for other, even when we disagree, we create the hope for something better.

The Power and Privilege Model Doesn't Work

2010-06-21T10:53:00.004-04:00

Most anti-oppression trainings that I've seen operate on the Power and Privilege model. It is a model that names who has power and privilege in our society as a tool for identifying the work that needs to be done.

This model is flawed and decidedly unhelpful.

Power
The truth is that we all have unlimited power - we just give up on it very easily. We run workshops to empower the dis-empowered when in reality, the power has been there all time. Yes, there are decision makers and Yes, those decision makers often make decisions that impact masses of people. But to blame or fault those decision makers actually takes away our own power to make change; it pegs us as victims when we are actually co-creators. As Marcos of the Zapatistas said, “Power does not need to be taken, it can be created.” We have what we need to end oppression, we just need to get out from under our feelings of discouragement and do something about it.

Privilege
The privilege model says that oppressor groups have it good and targeted groups have it bad. But it's not true. Yes, as a white person I have had certain privileges, but those have come at a great cost. To say that it is a privilege to be a man in a sexist society would mean that mens lives go better because of sexism. This is simply not true - nor is it likely to inspire men to end sexism. Systems of oppression hurt all of us and we would all be living fuller, better lives if all forms of oppression ended.

When we try to name who is at fault, when we start comparing who has it worse, then we've lost. Our goal is to end oppression. Period. We must be honest and strategic at every turn in order to make our goal achievable.

Hate Crimes in Canada

2010-06-14T09:36:00.004-04:00

The Globe reported this morning about the tremendous ethnic violence in Kyrgyzstan. It says that this is the worst ethnic violence we've seen in years.

The Globe also had a short piece reporting that hate crimes in Canada increased by one third in 2008 over 2007. Of particular note is that hate crimes motivated by sexual orientation more than doubled and were the most violent.

When extreme violence is carried out overseas, it sometimes has the effect of blurring our eyes to the violence at home. There is no genocide in Canada. There aren't lynchings in town squares. We don't have guerrilla warfare. Some see these extreme expressions of hate as the definition of hate itself - leaving the discrimination at home to continue.

But the extreme versions exist on a spectrum. And in Canada, it is mostly the more subtle end of the spectrum that persists. If we do not interrupt; if we do not work to eliminate the discrimination, prejudice and violence in our own homes and communities will continue to grow.

Canada is a very polite place. But if we are going to eliminate all forms of oppression (gay oppression, racism, sexism, religious discrimination, etc.) then we must move away from our sense of politeness and be willing to get in each others' face about this.

It is not ok with me that hate crimes have increased. It is not ok with me that homophobia is on a violent rise. It is not ok with me that ethnic violence happens. And I'm willing to be rude in order to stop it.

Being Published

2010-06-07T14:00:00.005-04:00

I've had two pieces published this week.
I welcome your thoughts and responses.

Cemented in the Overlap is a personal essay about being Jewish woman and how that impacts on my ability to sleep at night. It was published in Living Legacies: A Collection of Writing by Contemporary Canadian Jewish Women. You can read the piece here and buy the book here.

Inverting Racism's Distortions is an article I co-wrote with my brilliant sister, Rabbi Miriam Margles. It looks at how interpersonal and internalized oppression manifests in the classroom, and how teachers can work with each other and with their students to eliminate the impacts of racism. The piece was published in The Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives Spring 2010 edition of Our Schools/Our Selves entitled Anti-Racism in Education: Missing in Action. To read the article, click here. To purchase the book, click here. [If the Spring edition is not up yet, it will be shortly.]

Queers Against Israeli Apartheid

2010-05-31T17:07:00.005-04:00

Toronto's Pride organizers recently told Queers Against Israeli Apartheid that they are not allowed to march in this year's Pride parade. It was a decision that came when the city announced that it would withhold funding for the parade if the group was allowed to participate.

Ellie Kirzner has an interesting piece about it in this week's NOW magazine (article link). Kirzner's suggestion is for the group to simply change the name of their organization. Queers for Mideast Justice, perhaps?

I agree.

While it is worthy for us to debate whether or not the current situation in Israel and the Palestinian Territories can be called Apartheid, the simple use of the word triggers so many buttons of so many people that it defeats the purpose of solidarity organizations.

If the goal of Queers Against Israeli Apartheid is to fight the occupation, then they should, indeed, keep doing what they're doing, how they're doing it, and they will continue to fight for generations.

If the goal is, as it should be, to end the occupation then we don't need fighting techniques, we need strategy. We need the kind of strategy that invites mainstream Jews to join in the work of ending the occupation. Such an invitation must be inviting rather stinging, hopeful rather than blaming.

For one side of this fight to win, there would be much violence and immense death on both sides. If, however, both Palestinians and Jews are going to live in peace and security, we need to work together against the problem.

Let's let go of the antagonism and finger pointing.
Let us work together for Mideast Justice.

Distraction

2010-05-24T20:13:00.003-04:00

I spent this long weekend with an 8-month old. Most of the time it was easy to tell what she wanted - when she was tired, or hungry, or wanted to play. Her parents, of course, had an even easier time knowing what she needed.

Sometimes, though, she just cried. This happened most often when we were playing on the floor. This particular young person is on the verge of crawling and I could tell that she was frustrated by the fact that she couldn't do it yet. This frustration often brought her to tears.

When this happened, I would move her, I'd help her up, we'd go for a walk so she wouldn't have to struggle. But as I think about the weekend, I realize that in many ways her tears were an expression of frustration, a releasing of emotion, and my response was to distract her from the feelings she was having, to move her away from them.

From what I've seen, this is a common practice. We do it to each other and we do it to ourselves. We find all kinds of ways to distract attention away from feeling our feelings. The idea is that if we distract ourselves (or others) from the feelings, they'll just go away.

But feelings don't go away, they just get pushed down deeper and deeper. This is decidedly unhelpful. Yes, perhaps in the moment the distraction lets us focus on a task at hand. But in the long run, our capacity is limited by feelings, our unreleased emotions hold us back.

If, instead, we found where and when to release our feelings, we would likely have a much bigger shot at going after what we really want in our lives.

Perhaps if I had listened while the 8-month old cried, showing me her feelings while I stayed with her, perhaps crawling would come into reach sooner and with less upset. Instead of getting stuck in the frustration, perhaps she would just find a way to wiggle forward.

Perhaps this is true for all of us.

Colour blind

2010-05-17T15:51:00.002-04:00

Some say that the best approach to racism is to be colour blind.
But to aim to do so negates the life experiences of the people in front of us.
And limits our own experiences as well.
Such an approach will not help to end racism.
It simply tries to deny it.

Instead, let us ask each other what our life experiences have been.
Let us be surprised.
Let us be compassionate.
Not so we can 'understand' (because we can't)
but so the person we listen to doesn't have to be alone with those experiences.
And we move a little closer to each other.

Who Killed the Queen?

2010-05-10T09:07:00.004-04:00

Professor Judith Katz developed an activity called "The Bridge". It tells a story about a queen who is killed. The question for the group is to determine who, out of a cast of many characters, is responsible for her death. I recently participated in the activity at an intensive diversity training outside Philly.

The story begins with the queen being told by her jealous husband (the king) not to leave the castle while he's away, or she'll pay grave consequences. By the end of the story the queen has been killed.

One of the women in our group, who we'll call Susan, contributed some of her thinking in the discussion. It went something like this, "At first I thought, 'It's her own damn fault because she knew she wasn't supposed to leave the castle!', but then Susan's voice came in and said, 'To hell with that! Why does she have to stay home alone just because her husband said so?!'"

Susan was of two minds - one mind she titled as her own opinion, the other opinion blamed the queen for her own death.

So who's voice was the first opinion? It certainly wasn't Susan's. Yet it came first, it came loudest, and it was firmly in-line with the messages of sexism. It took time for Susan to process that this opinion was not just or fair or right. What would have happened had she not spent the time to investigate if her first response held true to her values? And not just in an activity like this?

How often do each of us act on thoughts that are not our own, and are not in accordance with our values and beliefs? How often is this hurtful to those around us? How often is it hurtful to us?

From what I can tell, this happens all the time. We act, in small and large ways, on ideas that we disagree with, on thoughts that are not our own. We have absorbed so many messages about gender, race, class, etc. that we are infused with them. It takes purposefulness to be able to even see them, and then to eradicate them.

We did not ask for these recordings, just as Susan did not ask to have sexism play so loudly in how she views the actions of other women (even in a fictional story). But the recordings are there and they are toxic.

We can get rid of them. We just have to be willing to see how systems of oppression, even in a great city like Toronto, have negatively impacted our lives. For many, this is a frightening endeavor. But as Niyonu Spann says, the only way through to the other side, is through. We have to be willing to get into the muck if we are ever going to be free of it.

It is possible.

Looking for Hitler

2010-05-03T13:02:00.005-04:00

There's something satisfying about identifying the person to blame. We do it for world wars, and we do it in our daily living. When something doesn't go right, we want to know who to blame.

But there are many problems with this way of working. One of them is about what happens to us when we point a finger.

When we blame someone else(or when we spend all our time looking for the person to blame), it relinquishes us from looking at the role we play. We all play a role, all the time. And it's not about blaming ourselves, it's about keeping our eye on how we want to live according to our values and continually finding ways to work through what stops us (Not who stops us, but what stops us). We cannot control what comes at us, but we can find ways of holding onto ourselves and being the person we want to be regardless of the situation that comes.

Further, when we point a finger, we meld the person "at fault" with the recordings the person is playing out. This entanglement negates any possibility of contradicting or eliminating the oppression and instead works to eliminate (or remove) the person. If we are going to eliminate oppression, we must reach for relationships with people, across lines of difference, and be on the same team against the problem.

Every time we want to blame, let us pause and look at the bigger situation; let us figure out how to invite shared work against the problem.

When we point a figure, we build antagonism and defensiveness. When we invite collaboration, we build the possibility of ending that which holds all of us back.

Ontario's New Sex-Ed Curriculum

2010-04-26T15:35:00.003-04:00

There's been a fair amount of publicity about the new sex-ed curriculum in Ontario. So much so, in fact, that the process has been put on hold.

The new curriculum teaches young people about gender identity, about homosexuality and about masturbation. These new content areas are, according to the Christian right, inappropriate and a clear sign of the slippery slope we entered into with the recognition of same-sex unions. For this group, teaching about homosexuality and the spectrum of gender identity is akin to luring young people into illicit sexual relationships. This is in opposition to their religious beliefs.

Gay oppression and homophobia are rife in our society. The curriculum is aimed at curbing some of the ignorance about gender politics and sexual orientation. It seeks to bring into conversation what is prevalent in our diverse society. It's goal is to help young people understand the people around them, and themselves.

Homophobia does not just target those who identify as LGBTQ. It targets all of us by firmly enforcing rigid attitudes about how to be male and how to be female; by fiercely upholding only one approved form of love; by marginalizing and dismissing the humanity of anyone who veers from "the right path".

I understand the tension between secular education and religious beliefs. There are many things taught in the public school system that religious groups find problematic - but this is precisely where real education lies.

If a religious belief is in tension with a societal value, then the religious community has the opportunity to engage its members in a conversation about why it makes the choice it makes.

The Christian right has the right to its beliefs about homosexuality, but it does not have the right to force the entire province to adhere to its teachings, especially when those teachings marginalize and discriminate against entire groups of people.

I am not interested in making the Catholic School Board my target. On the contrary. I am interested in finding ways to ensure that our sex-ed curriculum supports young people in understanding and exploring issues of gender and sexuality while also providing religious groups with the opportunity to engage in real dialogue about our humanness.

These two goals are not in tension with each other.

The Difference Between Guilt and Responsibility

2010-04-19T11:41:00.003-04:00

Our society sets up a very clear link between responsibility and guilt. If we fail in our responsibility, we are, definitively, guilty. The trouble with this alleged truism is that it assumes that because we are responsible, we are also endlessly capable and that any failing in ability is, additionally, our fault.

But this isn't true. The messages that systems of oppression teach us limit our capacity. They do so on purpose because if our capacities weren't limited, we would not allow oppression to continue.

Systems of oppression teach us that we are not as powerful, not as capable, not smart enough, not big enough. They teach us that we (or sometimes 'they') deserve to be limited, to be "on the hook", to be overlooked. When we feel this way, which most of us do most of the time, we are least able to do the things we want to do - including fulfill our responsibilities.

When we are then blamed for the ways the messages of oppression have limited us, we dig ourselves further into inaction and allow the oppression to 'get away with murder' while we sit with blame we don't deserve - a pattern that perpetuates all forms of oppression and continues to limit our capacity in every area.

Instead, I invite us to look at what gets in the way when we falter from fulfilling our responsibilities, when we give up on the big lives we want for ourselves and for others. Those obstacles are always about beliefs we carry that aren't true, ways we see the events and people around us (including, sometimes, ourselves) as unchangeable or immovable.

Harvey Jackins once said, "Every single human being, when the entire situation is taken into account, has always, at every moment of the past, done the very best that he or she could do, and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self. This is, in particular, true of you."

I have yet to meet someone who isn't always striving to do well by others, to reach for good in their lives, to be close with people. So if we falter, something has gotten in the way. Rather than blaming the person for the obstacle, let's see if we can give each other a hand, working together to remove all that is holding us back.

The Loneliness of Men

2010-04-11T13:09:00.003-04:00

Men's oppression, sexism and homophobia have a way of colliding and colluding with each other. The result is that men have to overcome great obstacles to build close relationships.

Men's oppression teaches that a man's worth is in his productivity and dependability. That men should be rocks, sturdy and unbreakable; that men should work hard, provide for their families, and not bother anyone with their problems. This minizes the full humanness of men; it dismisses the emotions men have and precludes them from asking for support.

Homophibia piles on top. It defines all emotions other as anger as unmanly, it prohibits any physical contact with other men outside violence and sports, it denies close relationships of any kind with other men.

Thus, women become the only possible source of intimacy and closeness, but sexism instills massive barriers, making it almost impossible. Sexism teaches that women nag, that women don't understand men, that women are to blame when men's lives don't go well.

This threesome isolates men, breeding lonliness with few sign of hope.

Starting in May, I am running a six-week Mens Group looking at each of these three systems of oppression and supporting the men in the group to reach for close relationships with the women and men in their lives. Part of the isolation of this threesome is that men are reluctant to come to such a group. For those of you who are men, I invite you to come. For those of you who are women, I invite you think about all the men in your life and choose one or two to invite to join.

Sometimes the hardest part is stepping out of the isolation and into contact with others.

For more information, please visit www.CulturalPolitcs.ca

Intention and Impact

2010-04-04T16:56:00.005-04:00

The most venomous perpetuations of oppression are carried out unintentionally and often with some measure of obliviousness. I say that these are the most venomous because their lack of intent make it almost impossible for anyone to call them out, to name them or to address them. This results in the recordings being acted upon time and again, often with others learning them.

There is one member of my family who, for example, acts on his sexist recordings, but proudly names himself a feminist. This leaves no room for me to open up discussion about the many ways our interactions have sexism in them. This actively blocks our ability to get closer to each other and keeps sexism alive and well in my family, and beyond our family. This happens all the time, in families, in offices, in public, it's all around us.

But if we're going to end oppression, this is not an acceptable mode of being. We must find a way of opening the conversation. We must make room to name what we've involuntarily learned from a society infused with messages of oppression regardless of the extent to which me might disagree with those messages.

For years, when I raised issues of my relative's behaviour, he would simply say that he had no intention of being hurtful. For years that was the end of the conversation, an ending that left me to "suck it up and deal."

Recently I've found the distinction between intent and impact to be quite useful - not just with this relative. While intentionality is important, if our impact does not match our intentions, then we have some work to do - and we all have some work to do.

When I've been able to acknowledge the good intentions of my relative and at the same time calmly and lovingly point out the impact his words or actions have on me, he's been able to listen. After one altercation this week, he apologized. This was a first for us. I have not yet named the recordings as sexism to him, but as I move forward in reaching for a closer relationship him (rather than give up on him), I can begin to see shifts in how I relate to him and how he is beginning to see, and hear, me differently.

the Revolution

2010-03-28T18:37:00.004-04:00

Sometimes the hardest part about ending oppression is imaging what it would actually look like to live free of it, to live without any belief that negates the humanity of another.

Sometimes the hardest part about ending oppression is imaging that it's possible, that we can bring about a revolution...a revolution that leaves no one behind.

Sometimes it's good to have reminders.
The tables are starting to turn.
___________________

REVOLUTION
by Tracy Chapman

Don't you know
They're talkin' about a revolution
It sounds like whisper
Don't you know
They're talkin' about a revolution
It sounds like whisper

While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in the unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Don't you know
They're talkin' about a revolution
It sounds like whisper

Poor people gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people gonna rise up
And take what's theirs

Don't you know
You better run...
Oh I said you better
Run
run
run...

Finally the tables are starting to turn
They're talkin' about a revolution
Finally the tables are starting to turn
They're talkin' about a revolution

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TViBKtij5o

The Cultural Politics of Anti-Semitism

2010-03-16T19:19:00.008-04:00

I was invited to give a talk last week after a performance of the play "talk".

Here it is.

Also available on YouTube here:
Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBK3Itoc3A8
Part 2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z796dKZ06Rk

The What and The How

2010-03-07T22:02:00.004-05:00

We usually know what we want to say, but we often don't think through how to say it.

Sometimes we're nervous or anxious or down-right terrified. Sometimes we're unsure of our footing. Sometimes we're just careless. But the thing is, how we say it makes all the difference.

If, for example, we're actually going to tell someone that what s/he said had racism in it, then we need to find a way of doing so that invites the recipient of our words to be our allies in ending racism, rather than in a way that blames her/him for it. People want to end oppression. We all want to be allies. We just don't always know how and are usually too embarrassed to ask.

Thinking carefully through "the how" of our words also works for areas of strife that are not oppression related (like our stuck relationships with relatives, our tense relationships with colleagues, etc.) We need to stop seeing each other as the problem. We need to stop pitting ourselves against each other. Instead we need to see all of us as being on the same team against the problem.

If we can find a way to say what we want such that it that invites rather than condemns, we will make significant strides forward.

Let us imagine what we really want our communities to be and let us ask others to join us in creating it.

Guilt by Association

2010-03-01T13:57:00.006-05:00

There is a play called talk opening this week at the Jane Mallet Theatre in Toronto. It's about our discourse on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict and how that discourse impacts our relationships. Following each performance, the theatre company has invited various guests to give a talk. I am one one of the invited guests. (March 9th, tickets at www.stlc.com)

The play is being put on by the Harold Green Theatre - Toronto's Jewish theatre company that has been under fire recently for backing out of their funding commitment for the production of Yichud (Seclusion) which just finished a tremendous run at Theatre Passe Murielle. As a result of the recent scrutiny and criticism of the company, I've had people ask me why I'm participating in one of their programs. "How could you support them after what they did?," they ask.

While I understand the question, I find it quite troubling.

The reasoning behind the question is that our association with a person or a group can imply that we support everything that person or group does. This simply isn't true - and it doesn't work.

Things don't change when we cut people off. In fact, if we truly want to see change in the world, we have to bring everyone with us - even the ones who do things we disagree with. If I had refused to be one of the speakers then I would merely be abandoning a relationship, an act that does nothing to bring open dialogue and honest discourse to the table - in fact, it shuts it down. When we remove ourselves as a sign of our disagreement, we all lose. I am honoured to have been asked to speak and I will share my thinking as best I can.

We must find ways to disagree while still staying in the room, still reaching for relationship, still listening with curiosity and speaking with kindness. For it is in relationship where we all experience growth.

Giving Space and Staying Close

2010-02-22T12:51:00.002-05:00

I've been paying attention to when and how people ask to be left alone. It happens often, usually when people are upset. We all do it. We go for a walk, or to a different room, in order to get away from something or someone.

But this means that whatever is going on, whatever feelings have come up, whatever situation we're moving away from, we now have to figure it alone.

It's certainly true that alone is often better than with whoever happens to be there, but there's a different way we can think about. It is possible to give a person lots of space while still staying close...and it's about "the rules."

We all have rules that we walk around with. These rule are most often about behaviour that we want everyone around us to adhere to. We have rules about what's ok to say and what shouldn't be said, about what feelings are ok to show, about how to say please and thank you. We hold rules about gifts and greetings, about work and friendship expectations. We have rules about all kinds of things.

Most of them we aren't even aware of until someone breaks them. And when that happens it can be upsetting. Sometimes we'll have a conversation with the person about it, but more often it creates a barrier from us getting closer to each other.

When we ask to be alone, it's not the alone-ness we're really after - it's about needing a break from the rules of others. It's about all of us learning how to give lots of space while still staying close. It's not about fixing their issue or offering advice. It's not about cheering someone up or distracting them. It's about letting the person set the rules and tell us what to do.

If we can figure out how to check our rules at the door and just be with someone when they ask to be alone, we will find that closeness to each other becomes a lot more possible.

And that would make everything better for everyone.

Profit as the Ultimate Trump Card

2010-02-07T22:26:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine is a caterer. I was mentioning to her that I have a hard time grocery shopping - I never quite know what to buy, how much to buy, when to buy... She mentioned that she has wanted to run classes on such topics for a while now - helping people eat, teaching teens to cook, supporting working class and working poor families eat better on a limited budget, etc. She has many great ideas about classes to run and workshops to lead but there's a problem. Her business idea has no money in it. It's not a good business idea because it's about people, not about profit.

In fact, the most important work to be done in our society is not good business idea. Yes, capitalism is the best economic system we've come up with so far, but it is a terrible system. As long as we place profit as the goal, people suffer. Civil rights, human rights, public education, public health all get subverted in the name of a strong economy.

My business is not a good business idea either. Helping people eliminate oppression. If racism, classism and sexism didn't exist (if women and people of colour actually expected to be paid equally to white men), our current economy would crumble.

And so we are faced with a challenge.

Can we imagine a sustainable economic system that puts people above profit?
And what would it look like?

I welcome your ideas.

Remembering that it's Not True

2010-02-01T13:26:00.007-05:00

This morning I was facilitating a workshop with a small group of care givers at a geriatric centre in Toronto. The participants were all women, all immigrants, and almost all people of colour. We were talking about discrimination and prejudice.

They were telling stories of times they've been hit with messages of racism, sexism and classism. We were discussing what happens to them emotionally in those moments.

I mentioned that if someone called me a cat it wouldn't effect me emotionally because I know it's not true. But if someone calls me stupid, it effects me because some part of me believes it. This where the internalization of oppression happens - when we believe, even if just a little bit, that a message against me or my group might have some validity.

And the best way to navigate this is to remember that the discriminatory messages aren't true. Ever.

We cannot control what those around us do or say. We can make sure that we keep ourselves in check - that we choose, over and over again, not to believe the messages that come at us.

As a Jew, anytime I feel unwanted or disliked, I am believing anti-Semitism. As a woman, anytime I feel not smart enough, I am believing sexism. As a white person, any time I believe that my life is better than the lives of people of colour, I am believing racism.

When we rid ourselves of the false beliefs we carry about our own constituency groups, we are expunging the impacts of oppression.

This alone could save the world.
And I'd like to add that doing so feels really good.

Haiti and How We See the World

2010-01-24T21:20:00.003-05:00

It's not a coincidence that the world's worst natural disasters hit the poorest people. It's also not a coincidence that the world's poorest people, who get hit with bad natural disasters, are people of colour.

And it's not a coincidence that when these natural disasters hit, most of the money goes to help foreign countries come in, clean up, and then leave - reinforcing the lack of self-sufficiency that perpetuates the mess a country like Haiti has been in for so long. Yes, these emergency measures are vital and important, but I'm wondering what could happen if we think a little differently.

The aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti will last for decades, well beyond the help of other countries. And if Haiti, like other poor countries around the world, are going to build and sustain, they must be empowered and enabled to do it for themselves - and this requires our help in a very particular way.

Firstly, we must ensure that our governments are not maintaining and imposing foreign policies that keep poor countries poor. These policies include restrictions to trade markets, debt, bolstering of corrupt leaders, and the use of a country's human and natural resources without appropriate reimbursement and enforceable working conditions. This step involves advocacy at home and requires a shift in how we think about how our abundance can often come only at the expense of the lives of others - at least how the system is currently set up.

Secondly, we have to support local grassroots organizations in these countries who are working toward building their own society in a just and more productive way.

The thing about both of these is that they require us to believe that poor people of colour are smart and capable and deserving of support, that they can do the job better than we could do for them, and that enabling them is actually in our best interest as well (even if it means some of our current system changes). These are all challenges to what our capitalist society teaches us most of the time.

If we want to see real change, we must be willing to challenge the systems that are currently set up. We must tackle our own racism and classism. We must declare the value of every human life. And we must be willing to live according to our values - even when that gets tricky or difficult.

"When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?"
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
__________________________
Some great organization. Thanks to Diego Merino for putting this list together.

Haitian Organizations

Lambi Fund of Haiti - www.lambifund.org. Lambi Fund of Haiti's mission is to strengthen civil society in Haiti as a necessary foundation for democracy and development.

Fonkoze - www.fonkoze.org. Fonkoze is Haiti’s alternative bank for the poor, dedicated to building the economic foundations for democracy in Haiti by providing the rural poor with the tools they need to lift themselves out of poverty.

Institute for Justice and Democracy in Haiti - www.ijdh.org. IJDH's mission is work with the people of Haiti in their non-violent struggle for the consolidation of democracy, justice and human rights, by informing on human rights conditions in Haiti, pursuing legal cases, and cooperating with human rights and solidarity groups in Haiti and abroad.

Partners in Health – www.pih.org. PIH has been working worked in Haiti for over twenty years, with three goals: to care for patients, alleviate the root causes of disease in their communities, and to share lessons learned around the world.

Funders

Grassroots International – www.grassrootsonline.org. Grassroots International has supported key Haitian organizations for years who are working to restore the environment, ensure food security and advocate for human rights.

American Jewish World Service – www.ajws.org. AJWS provides long-term, flexible support to Haitian organizations working to build resilience to disasters and improve food security and health in some of the poorest communities in the country.

Post Christmas Sale at Adidas

2010-01-17T21:52:00.002-05:00

I'm getting married in less than a month. It's incredible how much money goes into weddings, and how quickly the list of things to buy grows.

Being a person who tries to think well about money, class, waste, the environment, and the people around me, it has been an interesting journey to navigate the ultimate rationale of "But you'll only do this once (we hope). Don't you want it to be perfect?" This phrase, which I've heard countless times in the past months, translates to "Just spend the money."

I've been thinking about silver running shoes. I'll wear heels for the ceremony, but I'm going to dance at the reception and I'll need runners. So I've been thinking about silver ones. I found a pair of silver kicks at an outlet store for $25. They're not super cool or particularly stylish, but they're silver and they're comfortable and they'll last me a while. Then, in early January, I found myself wandering into the Adidas store with their 50% off sale and ended up purchasing a pair of really nice silver shoes for $65. They're normally $110, so this was a deal.

I took them home and compared them with the other pair. It was obvious to me that the cheaper pair would do just fine and the $65 would be much better spent somewhere else. When I went back to Adidas to return the shoes, the sales guy remarked that at $65, the shoes were a steal. "Yes," I said. "But I'll save even more if I return them to you."

I walked out of the store totally elated. Not because I fought the consumerist urge - but because I realized that the consumerist urge isn't actually as enjoyable as it claims itself to be. We so often feel like we're somehow pampering ourselves, or that we're worth that extra something, but I think the real treat is in bucking the system's hold on how we think about and spend money. The real treat is not about what the shoes look like, it's about how well they let us dance.

Hanging out with Tabetha

2010-01-11T13:26:00.002-05:00

I recently had the great pleasure of spending some time with 6-month old Tabetha. It was in the context of a winter get-away with many adults and young people spending a lot of time hanging out in a hotel lobby.

Her parents are friends of mine who live in New York City so it was a treat for me, who lives in Toronto, to see my friends and to spend time with Tabetha who I hadn't yet met.

What struck me most about spending time with Tabetha was noticing how the adults around her interacted with her. Almost everyone made a comment about her looks. "She's so beautiful!" "Isn't she the cutest?!" "What lovely lips, not like usual baby lips." I was struck by how important her physical appearance was to everyone around. One person even said to me, "Oh, isn't she just like a doll!" "Actually, she's a whole person," I said back, as politely as I could. "No. She's just a doll," was the firm response.

And it's not just babies.

A friend of mine has a daughter who is now a toddler. He mentioned to me that as much as people commented on her looks when she was a baby, that such comments have become more prevalent and stronger as she gets older.

I am sure that no one who told me how pretty Tabetha is meant to be sexist - but there is sexism in how we all have such strong tendencies to pin a girl's worth on how she looks. And we don't stop when girls become women.

Sexism is so pervasive in our society that we think it's normal. But what will be the effect on Tabetha as she grows up? Most of people's interactions with her are about her looks, how cute she is, how she makes adults feel. These are all core messages of sexism, and as hard as her parents (and hopefully teachers) will pay attention to her whole self, the odds are already stacked against her.

I would like to challenge us to find something else to say when we meet girls, particularly very young girls. Maybe, "It's so nice to meet you," or "I look forward to getting to know you." Maybe, "How are you doing today?" or "What are you discovering?"

Imagine what a difference that would make to Tabetha.
Imagine how we might be different if the adults around us had thought to do the same.

KlezKamp

2010-01-04T12:54:00.008-05:00

My father's side of the family comes from the Russia/Poland part of the world. In Jewish ethnic terms, this area - also including Germany, Hungary, Ukraine, etc. - is known as Ashkenaz, and those who are Jewish descendants from this part are called Ashkenazi Jews.

I am an Ashkenazi Jew.

My ancestors spoke Yiddish, danced to Klezmer music, and ate knishes, kasha and varnishkes, kneidelach, etc.

This year, I spent a week of winter break at KlezKamp - a festival of Yiddish culture in the Catskills.

I took a beginner's Yiddish language class. I joined the Beginner's Ensemble playing some Klezmer ukulele. I took a Yiddish dance class. I met Yiddish-ists, musicians, artists. There were babies and Holocaust survivors. There were secularists and orthodox Jews. There were 300 people celebrating Yiddish culture - and it was wonderful.

It was delightful to tap into my own roots in this way. I grew up heavily planted in the Jewish world - Jewish day school, Jewish summer camp, dance lessons at the JCC, synagogue attendance, an affiliated and practicing family. By all accounts, my Jewish identity has been at the forefront of my being for my entire life. But there was something special about the relaxed and artistically vibrant environment that allowed for me to engage differently.

It was a celebration of culture for culture's sake. Not for the survival of the Jewish people, not to fight anti-Semitism. It wasn't about Israel or politics. It was a celebration and vitalization of culture. My culture. My people.

I wonder what would happen if we found a way to always celebrate our cultural backgrounds. The draw to assimilate into our white Christian society (especially during the Christmas season) is so strong. I wonder how we might resist the temptation and stay deeply rooted to who we are - for no other reason than because it's who we are, and thereby worth celebrating.

As we begin this new decade, let's find ways of bringing our own roots into our lives a little more. Let's ask for it from our friends and neighbours. Let's celebrate.

Starting a Business with my Sister

2009-12-22T22:30:00.004-05:00

My sister and I have a particularly good relationship. We've worked hard for it - and it's paid off. Recently, we've been talking about starting a business together.

At the moment, we're both working freelance. We collaborate all the time, and our projects are always the better for it. We're both new to freelance and neither of us are raking it in - yet. If we join forces, whatever freelance income we each bring in would go to the business and thus be shared. This idea has raised fears about money, mostly in the form of: 1)What if I earn more that her? 2)What if she earns more than me? and 3)What if we can't generate enough work for two incomes? All of these feel like horrible situations.

As I've been thinking about what these scenarios would be like, what's come to mind are not business models, but life models.

My partner and I, who have lived together for a year and are getting married in February, share our incomes. We do this because we see ourselves as life partners in a joint project called family. This is quite ordinary.

But what if I think about my evolving relationship with my sister in a similar way? Granted, she's already family, but what if business thinking isn't just business? What if she and I map out a contract that firmly plants us in each others' lives in a way that is bigger than just our incomes?

When I think about it that way, the fears about money melt into something else, something that opens a space where she and I get to have each others' backs in a whole different way. And from what I've noticed, people gravitate to this kind of model.

I like this.
I like it a lot.

The Whirlwind

2009-12-14T13:26:00.006-05:00

My sister and I started teaching a series on The Challenges of Public Discourse on the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict. (Yes, it's the longest name for a class, ever). It is not a dialogue group, a text-study group or a history class. It is a look at the systems of oppression that collide, bringing each of us into their whirlwind.

What seems to happen for most of us, especially around issues we care about deeply, is that in the discourse we somehow loose access to our brains. when our emotions rise to the surface, our thinking shuts down.

The Israeli/Palestinian conflict (like any conflict) will not end by one side "winning." That would bring death to thousands and major catastrophe, and I refuse to believe that is good for anyone.

Rather, the conflict will end when both sides find ways to be each other's allies - when Jews find ways to be allies to Palestinians around Islamophobia, AND when Arabs and Muslims find ways to be allies to Jews around anti-Semitism.

And the kicker is that we can't wait for the other side to make the first ally move. We have to step up. And if you happen to be neither Jew nor Arab nor Muslim nor Israeli, then you have the opportunity to be an ally to both sides.

As the saying goes, the elimination of any oppression completely requires the elimination of all oppressions. Trying to end anti-Semitism without fighting for an end to Islamophobia, classism and racism is futile. So too, fighting the occupation without also fighting anti-Semitism, classism and racism is ineffectual.

We must see ourselves as being on the same team against the problem. The problem is that people need to be safe, to have citizenship of a country they can call home, and to have their identity acknowledged.

Our goal, then, is to enter every conversation with relaxed attention and flexible thinking. Many of us have hard attention - hearing only in order to argue back, and rigid thinking - believing that there is only one solution.

As we enter this week, let us find ways to be allies to those around us, particularly those we disagree with, or don't like. Let us find ways to be allies to them on the places where they are targeted by systems of oppression - backing a woman around sexism, backing someone working class on classism, backing a Muslim on Muslim oppression, backing a Jew on Jewish oppression.

This is what will bring peace. And it begins with you.

Turning Away and Turning Back Again

2009-12-07T09:22:00.004-05:00

This past spring, I saw a man jump in front of a subway train and commit suicide. I didn't take the subway for a while after that, and still don't take it often.

I realized last week, while waiting for the train on the subway platform, that as it approached, I turned away. I didn't want to see the train enter the station.

As I was looking at my feet, I wondered how often we turn away from things we don't want to see - in the world and in ourselves. Global hunger, the sexism in our friendships, violent persecution around the world, the racism at work, the classism that runs our global and local economy.

I wonder how much of our turning away is because it reminds us of something horrible we've experienced or witnessed before. I wonder how much of it is because we don't know what we would do once we see it.

I've heard many activists berate this shift of focus - calling those who turn away immoral or selfish. I think we turn away not because we don't want to deal with the reality, but because there's a loneliness that often comes with it. Something like, "If I see it, them I'm stuck with it and no one can help me."

But here's the thing - we don't actually have to deal with it alone. In our fiercely independent society, we are often taught to believe that we're meant to do everything by ourselves. But it's not true.

We are each other's resources and finding ways of supporting each other is essential to anything getting better. For example, if we want to eliminate racism, we have to be willing to see it and then to bring others with us to end it. This is true for every oppression, for every hurting individual, for every place in the world where people are toughing out their day so as not to notice how much isn't actually working well.

All we need to do is reach for each other, to offer ourselves, to have each other's backs. It's not any more complicated than that. It just takes the willingness to make the first move.

Feeling Bad about Feeling Good

2009-11-30T12:17:00.004-05:00

I was at a social justice conference last week. The room was filled with professionals working in social and global justice in various forms - some humanitarian aid, some volunteerism, some philanthropic development.

At one point, one participant who supports youth doing service work posed a question. "When I take students to do volunteer work," she said, "they feel good about themselves and the work and that's selfish. How can I make it not feel selfish to do the work?"

The question is a common one, and one that shows a real confusion about what social justice is.

We often think about injustice as one group having it good and the other having it bad. With classism, for example, the rich have it good and the poor have it bad. So for the rich to go help the poor shouldn't feel good for the rich - it's just a moral thing the rich are supposed to do. And the rich should feel bad about being rich (thankful, but bad) and the poor are supposed to be grateful for the help (bad about it, but grateful for it).

I disagree entirely with the premise.

Yes, money buys things and with money comes opportunity and access. But the money comes at a cost and the cost is paid through separation and distance. The rich couldn't become rich without having to do terrible things to people, and the only way to do terrible things to people is to distance ourselves from them enough to not let it actually touch our hearts while simultaneously, closing our hearts again and again, more and more each time. When you buy a shirt made in Indonesia, for example, or a blinking gadget made in China, or chocolate that comes from West Africa, did you close your heart? We know, as soon as we see the label, that these things were made under poor or terrible working conditions, likely by children who aren't in school, likely earning close to nothing, likely in environments that are toxic. But we buy it anyway because we live in a society where we have had extensive training in how to be ok with being part of the system. We have to close our hearts every time we do this, and human beings are social creatures who yearn for love and acceptance, making heart-closing no privilege and no fun.

So when we go into the world and work to close the gaps, to cross the boundaries, to reach across constituency lines and build relationships, it should feel good because we're getting our own humanity back. This isn't selfish - it's activism.

Systems of oppression hurt all of us - the targeted groups and the oppressor groups, perpetrators, victims and Witnesses. Social justice is not about giving rich people's stuff to the poor, it's about breaking down the systems of oppression that harm all of us.

That should feel good.
And we should do it as often as possible.

Plane Travel

2009-11-25T11:47:00.004-05:00

I'm a terrible plane passenger.

When I was young, I was often nauseous, often vomiting, feeling sick and always very nervous. From very young, I took various drugs and other remedies to help me fly - Gravol, ginger pills, soda, sleeping pills, eating ice, etc. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. As I got older, I became a worse fly-er and these became more serious medications, including Valium.

In the last eight years, I have traveled extensively. Living in Jerusalem and then New York City, I was aboard many flights. After one particularly difficult set of connecting flights, a dear friend suggested that perhaps the drugs actually make it worse - for they create a groggy haziness that may make the travel sickness more severe.

So I stopped taking drugs and tried something a little radical. And it works better than anything to date - and since I've been doing it, I haven't puked once.

I hold the hand of the person sitting next to me.

Whoever it is, I ask if it's ok if I hold their hand - just for landing and turbulence. They always say yes, and it always works.

It's embarrassing to ask, and there's usually laughter as a result - on both sides. And when they hold my hand, my fears, anxieties and nervousness start coming out in various ways. Most often they come out in yawns, really big ones. Sometimes laughter, sometimes I cry for the whole landing. But as I'm able to get the feelings out, the nausea disappears - and the feelings ease.

My trouble with flying is not about the plane itself. I've pegged various fears and anxieties on flying, but the feelings are most likely about other things. I could try to understand where they're from and rationalize them away, but I'm not sure that would actually work at all, and certainly not as quickly.

From what I can tell, these fears and anxieties are isolating. Just the fact of human contact and someone else's attention opens the space for me to release, and I do, and I feel better. I don't think my difficulty flying is a sign of anything wrong with me, it's just a place for me to put some of where I'm stuck.

And as much as my new tactic helps me, I have a feeling all of my various hand-holders, including David from my flight this past Monday, took something valuable away from the experience as well.

I wonder how much better my life would be if I could hold someone's hand whenever I wanted - when I speak in public, when I try something new, when I was dating, when I'm afraid...

I wonder what would happen if we never had to do anything alone, if we could bring people with us for all the hard stuff...and be there, with an open hand, when others are having trouble.

That Scene from the Breakfast Club

2009-11-16T10:31:00.003-05:00

Do you remember that Molly Ringwald movie where they all served detention in the library on a Saturday morning?

There's a great moment in the lunchtime scene, where the bad boy takes the nerdy guy's sandwich, flings the meat slice onto the sculpture, and the meat sticks.

In many ways, we're like that sculpture.

We are born as gorgeous, smart, courageous beings ready to meet the world. But as soon as we get here, people start throwing things on us and they stick. They throw messages about who we are and what we're supposed to be. They throw messages about what's possible and what's not, about how the world works, about what we should be afraid of and what we shouldn't be afraid of, about what it means to be a girl or a boy, queer or straight, middle class or working class, about race, about democracy, about school, about what's important. These messages are so strong and so numerous that by the time we get to grade 1 in school, we're already covered in a layer of processed meat. And the messages keep coming.

By the time we're adults, we have inches and inches of this stuff on us, and we're so accustomed to it being there, that we don't even notice it.

But these layers limit us in all kinds of ways. Most of the messages aren't actually true. And what's worse, these layers prevent us from thinking flexibly. They keep us stuck and hold us back from living the big lives we really want. They keep us from making real change in our society.

It's not really the fault of the adults who were around us growing up - for they were operating with layers and layers of sliced turkey on them. It's also not our own fault. We didn't choose these layers, nor did we ask for them.

But we can choose to get rid of them. We can peel off the layers by first noticing that they're there, then naming what they are, and finally throwing them off. This will bring us back to our core selves who came into the world as brilliant, beautiful, brave people ready to have close relationships with others and learn as much as possible.

We can do this. And it will make all our lives go better.

Having Each Other's Backs

2009-11-09T12:47:00.002-05:00

Sexism is propogated in two primary ways: violence (or threat thereof) and trivialization. The violence part gets talked about all the time. The threat of violence also gets a fair amount of attention. But I don't hear talk of the trivialization - and that's a sign of how bad the trivialization is.

Women are continually told that what bothers us isn't really that bad, that it wasn't inteneded to be bad so we shouldn't complain about it. We're mocked for raising our voices and belittled when we show thinking in opposition to 'normative' society. Women's issues are dismissed, trivialized, minimized, overlooked, and set aside. It is common, and has been throughout history, that women's fight against sexism has been told to take a back seat because of other "more important" fights - including a push now to stunt the Equal Rights Amendment in the U.S. until the Health Care Bill passes. This has happened with policy and legislation. It also happens daily in the lives of women whose needs and concerns are continually put on the back burner.

From the perspective of one civil rights issue trumping another, the reasoning is deeply flawed, for the elimination of any oppression completely requires the elimination of all oppressions. The Health Care Bill would have a significanlty higher chance of passing if women's health issues were on the table in equal measure.

But it's not this perspective that troubles me most, nor is it the conviction with which men so often trivialize women and women's issues. What's so difficult and painful for me is that so many women have come to believe that their issues are marginal, that sexism isn't really that bad, that somehow our welfare isn't as important.

Women do not have a nation to stand by, or a unity in the same way as other oppressed groups. We are women of colour and white women. We are of every religion, every nationality, every class, every political view. These difference seperate us from each other, and push us to prioritize everything else. We believe, too often, that those other constituent identities are somehow more important, more valid, more crucial to our lives.

And so, we don't back each other. Time and again, we will put anything ahead of backing another woman. Which, of course, furthers the trivialization of sexism.

I invite you to find a woman in your life who could use your backing this week - personally or professionally - and find a way to back her, to support her, to be her cheering section, her brainstorm buddy, her encouragement. Help her see that she can take on any issue and that you'll help her every step of the way.

This is how we fight oppression. We back each other.

The Spectrum of Caution and Curiosity

2009-11-02T14:06:00.005-05:00

My friend Elliot Kukla was visiting last week. He's a rabbi in San Fransisco who works primarily with those who are dealing with illness and death. He spends his time with people who are suffering.

As we were chatting, he shared an observation. He said that when people come through suffering, they usually either become more curious, or more cautious. The two are on a spectrum, and to become more of one, means becoming less of the other. This framing struck me as particularly brilliant, as Elliot tends to be.

And so I thought about my own life. As a child, and even past university, I was incredibly cautious, perhaps even terrified. This directed much of my activity and I can now see how limiting it was for me. It wasn't until I experienced some major suffering that this changed.

I lived in Jerusalem while I was working toward my master's degree. It was during the second Intifada. Two friends of mine were killed in the Hebrew U bombing, and a third injured badly. The months following the bombing, something shifted for me. It was almost as if I had spent my life protecting myself from harm - but harm got through anyway, so it seemed less important that I keep up the level of protection.

This easing up allowed me to be curious, and in many ways sparked my work in cultural politics. At the same time, I see many of my contemporaries, many who were with me in Israel, who have gone the other way - who have become more cautious, more guarded, more protective.

When we are afraid to make a mistake or afraid of being hurt, we pull away, putting our backs against the wall and looking out for whatever might come at us. This is infinitely limiting, and it makes our lives smaller.

I see this play out in how the Jewish community reacts to criticism of Israeli policy, in how White people are so careful around people of colour that they don't reach for them at all, in how women can be so hesitant to make someone angry that they contort their themselves for others.

Caution may promise to keep us safer in the short term, but it also distances us from each other, and this is ultimately more dangerous, and lonely.

Curiosity is what brings us together. It gets us to reach for someone, even if we make a mistake in their direction. It gets us to listen to the other side, even if at first it sounds threatening. It makes us vulnerable, which is, of course, a prerequisite to closeness.

I wonder what would happen if my fellow Jews were able to be curious about Palestinians. If whites were curious about people of colour. If men were curious about how sexism impacts the women around them.

I invite each of us to find some aspect of our lives where we err on the side of caution, and I invite us to take a step toward curiosity.
See if you can make it a step in someone's direction.

The Drunk First Nations Man and the Screaming White Guy

2009-10-26T14:09:00.004-04:00

It was shortly after dark and I was walking alone on a fairly main road in midtown Toronto. As I'm walking, I see a man cross the street toward me and stand behind the parking payment machine, almost as if to hide. My defenses go up. As I pass him, I nod my head. He begins to follow me.

I stop, grasping more tightly onto the umbrella I was carrying and curtly ask if he needs help. It was at this point that I realized that he was quite drunk, and that he was First Nations. My fear dissipated a fair amount, due to his drunkenness and level of disorientation. It was then that he asked if I was afraid of him. I said yes, and he turned away from me for a moment. Then I said, "It's because I'm a woman alone, not because of you." He turned back. I was about to go, and suddenly a white man across the street yelled over, with much anger, "Leave her alone!" The man in front of me had the look of scary people who don't want to be scary. I yelled back, "He's ok, thanks." "He's not ok, he's drunk as hell."

I turned to the Aboriginal man and asked where he was headed. He had no answer. I pointed to the Native Men's Residence just a few blocks away that might offer him a hot meal. I said that I needed to be on my way. I continued walking. He began to follow. The man across the street started yelling again, and as I walked away, I could hear him screaming at a frightening decibel at this drunk man, who was crossing the street toward him. "Stop bothering people. Why do you scare people? What are you good for?" I looked to make sure they didn't start punching each other. The noise quieted down and I continued on my way.

The amount of oppression in this small incident was overwhelming. Sexism both made me a target and got my defenses up higher than they needed to be. Racism introduced alcohol to the native community and then blames them for using it. Racism made the white man yell violently. Racism against the First Nations community is so bad we don't even think of it as racism, and in many ways are taught that they aren't even people.

It could be that my determination to fight racism actually put me in danger. And it could be that the white guy was just trying to make sure his neighbourhood was safe. But the racism of the incident was far louder than the sexism that took place. The man did not look scary to me, even though I was scared. He looked sad, and deeply lonely.

When oppressions conflate and incidents happen, it can be tricky to find our way out. But we need to find our way, even if it scares us. And we can't do it alone.

Humiliation

2009-10-20T09:55:00.004-04:00

Humiliation is one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. When that feeling comes, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and disappear. It makes me feel small and insignificant. It makes me feel foolish and horrible.

All those feelings are meant to come with humiliation, and in instances when another purposefully humiliates us, this is generally what they're going for.

As a Jew and a woman, this chord of humiliation plays quite loudly. I have visions of Jews being humiliated on the streets of Germany and Poland, visions that planted in my mind when I was young and first learning about the Holocaust. The humiliation I felt just seeing those photos gets triggered every time I feel humiliation.

And I have visions of women being humiliated. Not from photos of 60 years ago, but from my own lifetime, from watching film and television, from advertising, from noticing the sexism around me. Watching women be dismissed and belittled, watching women being ogled at, watching women being mocked.

Humiliation is a way that oppression is propagated. It reinforces the power of the oppressor group and the presumed powerlessness of the targeted group. And it continues to work long after the incident has ended. Just think of how often you feel humiliated even when no one is actively humiliating you.

And it's not just targeted groups that get targeted for humiliation. People in oppressor groups are also targeted for humiliation. In fact, everyone has been targeted for humiliation and it is, always, an attempt to assert power.

But here's the kicker - acts of humiliation don't actually have to humiliate us. In fact, acts of humiliation say a lot more about the person doing the humiliating than they do about the person being targeted. As the target, we can actually just not be humiliated, no matter how hard someone it trying to make us feel it. And this empowers us, not only because we avert feeling humiliated, but also because in order to avert the feeling, we need to know that the messages of the humiliation aren't true.

Our feelings of humiliation are old, and like all old feelings, are easily triggered. But we can undo the ways the early humiliation impedes us and we can make a choice to never feel humiliated again.

I like to remember a time I felt humiliated and envision myself responding differently. Of course, in order to do this well, I need to remember that I, like you, am smart, caring, courageous and powerful. This, more than anything, unravels the chain of humiliation, allowing me to crawl out from my hole, and live a big life.

Women, Men and Heterosexual Dating

2009-10-15T10:07:00.010-04:00

With books like The Rules, and Cosmo quizzes, and the vast array of self-help publications, it's can be hard to actually figure out how to un-stick the places we get stuck in building heterosexual relationships, particularly romantic ones.

And the piece that I see most profoundly, and that is consistently ignored, is that sexism and men's oppression come out in significant ways when we try to reach for someone of the opposite gender.

Men's oppression is rarely acknowledged, but it is present and fierce. Our society has an incredibly narrow definition of what it means to be a man, and it is a definition that strips men of many aspects of their inner selves. We deny men any physical contact with other men outside of sports and violence. We limit their physicality with women to sex-related encounters. We value a man's worth based on his productivity and income. We dismiss men's feelings, only allowing them to show anger. And we scare men into adopting this definition of masculinity with threats of being called gay or landing in the mental health or prison system. And then they get blamed for not being emotionally aware, or for prioritizing work and not being available.

And, like all oppressions, men internalize these messages and women propagate them, even if intellectually they disagree with them.

And on the other side, while the Feminist movement has made significant advances for women, sexism has actually gotten worse in my lifetime. Significant numbers of women are undergoing painful procedures to alter their physical appearance, the cosmetics industry continues to grow, and the message of sex as the primary (and often only) marker of a woman's worth has become stronger and more present(particularly with the ease of accessibility to porn and the booming sex slave trade). This is then coupled with the old messages of sexism that still dominate - women as responsible for everyone else's life going well, women's thinking being de-valued or dismissed, women being humiliated. And women are scared into forced into adopting these messages through the ever-present threat of violence against women or through isolation. And then women are blamed when things don't go well, or when they use their sexuality.

And, like all oppressions, women internalize these messages and men propagate them, even if intellectually they disagree with them.

Men and women then try to build relationships, but don't ever name or discuss these incredibly strong underlying challenges that will continue to impede and even destroy attempts at closeness. When our potential (or actual) partners say or do something that touches on our own internalized oppression, we get triggered. When we go after someone who we know isn't good for us, or when we dismiss potential partners for what seem like silly reasons, when our thinking gets rigid, we are, in some way, acting out of our internalized or interpersonal oppression - not out of our true rational and flexible thinking.

It is entirely possible to undo the recordings about gender that we carry.
But it takes work.
And it's almost impossible to do it alone.

Starting on Monday, I will be teaching a series on how to undo these recordings. The class is open to men and women, to those in relationships and those looking for relationships. I invite you to join us.
Please visit www.CulturalPolitics.ca for more information.

Afraid to Get it Wrong

2009-10-05T12:59:00.002-04:00

I had an interactive installation piece up as part of Toronto's Nuit Blanche, the all night art event, that happened downtown over the weekend.

With much art, like paintings for example, the audience knows what they are supposed to do. With an interactive piece, it's not as obvious.

Part of what's great about sitting beside my project and watching people interact with it, is not only watching their responses to the piece, but also watching how they approach the piece; how they figure out how to use it, how to play with it, how to explore it. Some stepped right up and began, but most asked what they were supposed to do, some saying that they didn't want to get it wrong.

In fact, fear of getting it wrong was overwhelmingly common. I found this sad.

I have a lot of toddlers and babies in my life. They're never afraid to get it wrong. They'll walk up to any object and do all sorts of things until they figure out how something works or what it does. This is how they learn and how they play.

What happens to us between toddler-hood and adulthood that shuts down our exploratory nature? What makes 'looking dumb' so horrible that it stamps out our willingness to explore and to have fun?

In truth, it is trying things out that fosters the best learning and promotes use of our create muscles. A friend of mine says that there are no mistakes, only findings. This mentality encourages exploration and play. But still, for so many of us, this is a difficult practice.

And it is here that I wonder what your reaction is when you see someone else get it wrong... Do you get angry? Do you get embarrassed? Do you make fun of them?

What would it look like for you to be totally delighted that someone tried, even if they got it wrong? What would it take for you to be willing to try even if someone else might get upset?

It is these feelings the get in the way and they are actually keeping us from getting smarter because they keep us from trying.

Imagine what innovations in thought and art, in economics and culture, might exist but don't because we were afraid to try? Imagine how stronger our relationships might be if we tried a little more often in someone's direction, even if we get it wrong.

This is not just about an interactive art installation. This is about reaching for people across constituency lines, and within them. This is about wanting a better society than the one we have and encouraging new thinking about how to get there. This is about your life going better. It's about all our lives going better.

Let's try, even if we get it wrong.

Women Telling Their Stories

2009-09-29T17:31:00.003-04:00

I lead a Jewish women's group. We met this past weekend and each took a turn telling our life stories. We, of course, didn't have time to tell it all, and so we each made choices about what parts to share.

Some began their story at birth, some just a few years ago, and some began with a story about a grandparent. I marveled at how, in each of our stories, history came so prominently into play.

It's not just the events of history that impact our lives, but the emotionality of those stories and the perspectives they bring.

As Jewish women, there was much about humiliation and embarrassment that resonated throughout the room. Not that such emotions are exclusive to Jewish women, but there is something about how the humiliation sits that is particular - and it seems that it is somewhere in the particularity that the perspectives come, the perspectives that so easily blind us to the realities of what is actually before us. This happens with every history, in whatever way it has unfolded.

The stories we told were difficult to tell, and many parts had never been told before. It is wondrous how much lighter a difficult story becomes when there are others to share its weight. And what a contradiction to humiliation to have others share the weight of our personal stories!

I invite all of us to tell our stories - in parts, to different people, in whatever way we can figure out. Just tell it, just like it is.

Israel and Toronto Jews

2009-09-21T15:35:00.005-04:00

Since returning to Toronto after 8 years in Jerusalem and New York City, one of the things that I am most struck by is how polarized public discourse on Israel is here. I certainly have what to say about the undercurrent of anti-Semitism on the Left (see "Why the boycott Israel movement won't work - even if we want it to" posted June 30, 2009), I also have what to say about the rigid thinking of the organized Jewish community.

Jewish history is full of violent persecution. Jews have been isolated. We have been blamed. We have had insufficient support from the non-Jews around us. We have been excluded. We have been deported. We been targeted for destruction. This history has caused us to create some successful coping mechanisms, including insular communities, self-reliance, trusting Jews completely and mistrusting non-Jews. These mechanisms have, in the past, helped us survive. And it is possible that we will need these coping mechanisms again. But, at this moment in history, these strategies are not helping us, but are hurting us.

Coping mechanisms only work when they are an appropriate response to a current situation. The current situation is actually calling on us to build relationships with non-Jews rather than to mistrust them; it is asking us to engage in dialogue rather than to blindly trust that every Jew is acting ethically; it is inviting us to be creative in developing new strategies that reach for our humanity rather than defaulting to our old patterns that, in this case, limit us intellectually, spiritually and morally.

I understand the fear my Jewish community has and how criticism of Israel triggers those fears, along with angers, frustrations and embarrassments. I do not judge the feelings that centuries of anti-Semitism have wrought. Anti-Semitism is not our fault. Still, I invite my fellow Jews to engage with the feelings that come up and notice where those feelings limit our thinking rather than expand it.

Israel's existence is of paramount importance. Dialogue about Israeli policy will not bring the destruction of the state of Israel--it will ensure Israel's sustainability. We must be courageous enough to fight for Israel--not as blind support at all costs, but as engaged Jews reaching for a real peace.

Let us not be blind, reacting to prejudice with defensiveness and fear.
Let us instead walk with eyes and hearts open, acting based on our thinking toward a viable future.

Fully Satisfied and Always Wanting More

2009-09-15T17:50:00.002-04:00

I've been noticing recently, particularly as the Jewish New Year approaches, that often when people talk about their goals for the future, it comes with a clear dissatisfaction with the present. As if wanting more necessarily means being unhappy with what is now.

In a consumer context, this makes perfect sense. I will buy something new because I am unsatisfied with what I have. But in our relationships and in thinking broadly about living according to our values, this doesn't make sense at all.

It is possible to be fully satisfied with what is and still be working toward something more. In fact, in many ways it is the criticism of others and of ourselves that prevents us from getting to where we want to go. Yes, we all make mistakes. And yes, we all have room to grow. And yes, it is good to want more, to be continually reaching for people, to be always setting our sights on what life could be like.

And, it is when we are able to be totally delighted with those around us (regardless of where they're stuck or what they're struggling with) that we can reach for closeness with those same people. It is when we are totally delighted with the things we've been able to figure out (even if there are many things we haven't yet figured out) that we are most able to take risks and go after what we want.

And it is when we are thrilled to be building relationships across constituency lines (even if they are fraught, or challenging, or seem superficial at first) that we can begin to create our lives to be personal models of the world we would like to see - one free of condemnation; one full of open-heartedness and abundant joy.

The Misnomer of Privilege

2009-09-09T09:11:00.007-04:00

I often hear the word privilege used in social justice and diversity circles. People talk about white privilege, men's privilege, middle and owning class privilege, etc. But it doesn't really work that way.

Each of these groups (men, whites, middle and/or owning class, straight, etc.)are the oppressor groups of systems of oppression. Whites are the oppressor group of racism while people of colour are the targeted group; men are the oppressor group of sexism while women are the targeted group. But I'm not so clear on how being part of an oppressor group is such a privilege.

Systems of oppression actually hurt everyone. True, there are always some advantages to being in the oppressor group. But there are disadvantages as well, and to say that those in the oppressor group have it good, is simply not true.

Have you ever had the experience of walking by someone begging for money on the street? When I pass someone asking for money, I usually have two responses. One is to give her or him some money, the other is to simply walk past. With either response, what happens for me internally is that I have to close my heart a little. And every time I close my heart, it means that I build a separation between myself and the person asking for help. A closed heart is not merely isolating and distancing, but it is the primary barrier to closeness in relationship, a tremendous hurt to our humanity and to our ability to function well in the world. It is a closed heart that allows oppression to function.

To be in the oppressor group of any oppression is extreme boot camp in heart closing; it is forced buy-in to the frameworks of the oppressive system - even if you disagree with the system itself. To be in the oppressor group means that when you take the time to notice how closed your heart is, guilt, regret and shame often come out in full force. And we already know that we are least likely to effect real change when we feel bad about ourselves, which makes the idea of privilege both untrue and decidedly unhelpful.

Being middle class does give me greater access to many things, but at the very same time it has limited me and caused me harm. Not because I'm middle class, but because the oppressive system of classism is harmful to everybody. I am sure that men's lives would go better without sexism, that the lives of straight people would go better without homophobia, that lives of non-Jews would go better without anti-Semitism, that my life would go better if homelessness didn't exist.

We could play the 'who has it worse' game, but my goal is to eradicate all forms of oppression. Period. And the only way to really do that is to name all the ways oppressive systems are harmful.

Regret

2009-09-01T11:04:00.006-04:00

A friend recently asked me about regret. "What do you do," she asked, "when there's something eating you up?"

I told her that in my view, regret is just a version of us being really hard on ourselves. True, we make mistakes and we have learning to do and we're continually striving to live according to our values as best as we can. Still, as radical as this may sound, I believe that we are always doing the best we can.

If we look only at the very particular moment of an incident, it's easy to find ways we fall short. But, when we look at the entire situation, we get a different picture.

The entire situation includes how our day is going, how our week has been, how the last 20 years has gone. It includes our level of energy, if we think we're making enough money and if we're angry, about anything. It includes how we feel about ourselves - what we deserve and what we want. It includes living in a society where sexism and homophobia go almost entirely unchecked, and in many ways are getting worse. It includes knowing that war and famine are daily events for millions of people. It includes all the times we've been disappointed by others. It includes the extent to which we feel safe. It includes all the times we felt that we weren't smart enough or brave enough. It includes our fears of loneliness. It includes all the times someone yelled at us. It includes the effects of living in a society where racism keeps us separate from each other. It includes the way we need to close our hearts a little when we pass a homeless person on the street. It includes how our relationships with our friends are going...

The entire situation includes a lot of things that play as background music to our lives. The entire situation is huge and we work very hard, all the time to navigate our way to something of a happy life.

From what I can tell, when we feel regret, we feel bad - we even say it, often. But the truth is, that we are much less likely be able to make courageous choices when we feel bad. Rather, it is when we are compassionate and forgiving with ourselves (and with those around us) that we are able to act in ways that reach for the life we want and the relationships that make that life wonderful.

So yes, it's good to notice mistakes and learn from them as we go forward. But regret only holds us back. Given everything, we're actually doing really well. It's good to remember that.

Because of Poverty

2009-08-25T00:09:00.006-04:00

I lost my wallet yesterday. It wasn't my whole wallet - I had taken out a few things (driver's license, credit card, a few phone numbers and $40) and put them into a small black sleeve that fit nicely into my back pocket. I was heading to a picnic and wanted to carry as little as possible.

This morning there was a beat up bank envelope on my front doorstep. It had my wallet inside with a note on the front, written in marker. The note had my name and address on it, with the following note:

- MISSING -
DRIVER'S LICENCE, TD VISA, PHONE #'S
(-> I KEPT THE MONEY BECAUSE OF POVERTY
-> THANK YOU

Indeed, all was in tact except for the missing $40.

There are a number of remarkable things about the return, but what strikes me most is how the returnee found a way to reach for me even though in this dynamic I, living a middle class life, am in the oppressor role. The note, full of honesty and integrity, is also abrupt in its expression about class, money and trust. I have been thinking about this all day...thinking about class, money and trust.

I am grateful to the returner of my wallet - not for its return, but for the connection that was made in the process.

Discouragement

2009-08-21T10:51:00.009-04:00

Some people might call it laziness and look upon it with disdain. I call it discouragement and I look upon it with hopefulness.

If you ever watch very young ones, you might notice how fearless they are in going after what they want. They will try, again and again, to be close to people, to get what they need, to learn how to do something (like crawling or talking).

But something must happen to us because by the time we become adults, we somehow lose that willingness to keep trying. Sometimes it's hard to even try the first time. Sometimes we can't even get off the couch.

What I've noticed is that as we grow up, we are told over and over again that we are doing things wrong, that we aren't smart enough to do that thing or that it's too big a project. We are discouraged, over and over again, and we come to believe those messages. We give up on each other and we give up on ourselves, believing the message that we aren't capable.

The truth is that we are all perfectly capable of going after the things we want - closeness in our relationships, a fulfilling career, a vibrant family, a society free of any oppression. If we could figure out how to get rid of all this discouragement, we would not only be much more effective, we would also be happier.

We may well make decisions on where to put our efforts, but that's different from not doing something because we feel discouraged from doing it. I always make better decisions once the discouragement is out of the way because the decision is then about what makes sense, not about what I feel capable of.

In order to expunge the discouragement, we need to choose not to believe it. This won't happen right away, but if we can notice when the discouragement comes up, then we can start deciding not to believe it. We must also keep our eyes on the prize, imagining how much better our lives would be - and the lives of those around us - if we internalize how smart and capable we really are.

And we need to keep trying.

Let us be allies to each other, supporting and nurturing each other at every turn.
Let us not discourage anyone, ever again.
And let us be endlessly hopeful about what's possible.

The Person and the Behaviour

2009-08-16T22:32:00.010-04:00

It often happens that when someone says something with racism in it, we call them a racist...but I don't think it works that way.

Have you ever had the experience of being on the subway, or just walking, or just being, and you see a person or a situation and a thought pops into your head, perhaps one that is racist (or sexist, or...) and as soon as you have the thought you also know you disagree with yourself, that the thought about race (or gender, or class, or...) isn't actually based on current reality, perhaps isn't even true?

This happens because we have been taught all sorts of messages by our society and they took root before we knew enough to say that we didn't want them.

For me, when these thoughts surface, I can recognize that they are thoughts I don't want. I don't want my racism, (or my classism, or my adultism...). I imagine you don't want yours either.

And just like we don't want the racist (or sexist, or...) messages we have that play in our minds, no one wants the messages they have. Which means we need to separate the person from the messages, even if that person is acting on those messages as if they're true.

For me, the most success I've had with ridding myself of the racist messages that play in my mind is to build relationships with people of colour. This contradicts those messages, allowing me to challenge those messages head on.

But when we say, for example, "You are an anti-Semite," (or "You are homophobic," or...) we plant ourselves across the room pointing a finger. This destroys any chance of building the very thing that will deconstruct the anti-Semitic (or racist, or sexist, or...) messages the person has.

In order to eliminate oppression, we must build relationships with each other, we must find ways to reach for the person despite their behaviours. We must call each other on those behaviours saying, "What you said had anti-Semitism in it" instead of saying, "You are an anti-Semite."

There's a big difference there and it's about not giving up on people - not giving up on ourselves, and not giving up on each other.

Men's Oppression at the YMCA

2009-08-07T14:19:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I went to the gym with my partner to do an exercise class. It was not an aerobics class, but a toning class - hand weights, big bouncy balls, floor mats.
There were about 25 people in the room. He was the only man.

I had two oscillating thoughts that arose as I noticed his only-man-in-the-room-ness. The first was to be critical of the men who kept peeking in the window, the ones who didn't come, the ones for whom taking a class with all women wouldn't be manly. The other thought was to be critical of my partner who worked hard in the class, and sweat a lot, and didn't look very strong or masculine as he struggled, like the rest of us, to do the workout.

Our society has come to define masculinity so narrowly that it is almost impossible for men to get it right. It is a definition that has taken away all physical contact with other men except for sports and violence. It is a definition that puts tremendous pressure on men to be productive earners of money and protectors of women. It is a definition that is so strict, any deviation is likely to result in a man being named a criminal, mentally ill, or gay. This narrow framework has a name - it's called men's oppression, and it's fierce.

The messages we teach boys about not crying, about being tough, about playing hard or not playing at all, contribute to how rigidly we define what is masculine. This, combined with the Protestant work ethic of our profit-based society, leaves little room for men to find themselves - leading them instead to find that which is harmful to others both categorically (sexism and homophobia) and relatively (white men who carry racists thoughts, Sri Lankan men who carry Tamil-hating thoughts, etc.) Sexism (or any other oppression perpetrated by men)is not the fault of men, it is the result of men and women holding onto rigid frameworks that people don't really fit into.

To build the revolution that leaves no one behind, we need give our men a little more room, and we need to be proud of men when they take it - even if it makes us feel uncomfortable in the moment.

I told my partner about all the thoughts that came to mind during our weights class at the gym. I also told him how delighted I am to be with the guy who has somehow figured out how to be in that weights class of all woman, and to be happy to just get a good workout.

An Inescapable Network of Mutuality

2009-08-03T18:11:00.003-04:00

This is a post by guest contributor Sara Narva

I believe in the radical idea that we all matter. All of us. And that we all affect each other and the world, even when we don't know one another. Usually this idea of mine feels so big and intangible that I forget I believe it. I do my activism within what I call my kinesphere. In dance terms this means the area around your body that your limbs can reach when fully extended. I work to affect change within my metaphoric kinesphere -- the people and organizations that I can see and feel and touch because I am in direct relationship with them on a regular basis.

Sometimes I feel like I don't make a big enough difference because I mostly don't work on the grand scale of systemic change. Recently I was reminded that work with individuals and small groups actually makes a huge impact. It makes an impact because we are all connected. Individuals make up the systems.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said: In a real sense all of life is inter-related. All persons are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny... I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.

In my life, I call this interrelated structure "the web." Not the world wide web, but the web of connection between me and my community. I feel very deeply that my joy and strength and peace has direct impact on those I am in connection with. So does my despair and stress and disconnect. What I love about MLK's quote is that he recognizes that not only does my mood and my attention and my energy affect you, and yours affects me, but that it goes deeper than that. I can not be my best self unless you are yours, and you can not be your best self without me being mine. We need each other.

To fully internalize the truth of this quote means I need remember that our interrelatedness ties me to people I do not know directly, and whose circumstances I can not always feel personally. That means that I am not thriving if millions of young people are not getting an education that allows them to thrive and discover their best selves. I can not fully flourish if people are put in jail because we don't know another way to repair hurts and harms and mistakes but to punish and separate. I am responsible to people, even if I am not directly in contact with them.

The way I have figured out to continue to remember this truth is to meet and open to more new people; to make friends with folks who are different from me, who do different work and know different people. Listening to their stories -- which include the stories of their colleagues, their sisters, their partners -- stretches my mind and heart and reminds me of the reality that we are all connected and we all need each other... and the web gets stronger.

Toronto on Strike and the Issue of Class

2009-07-24T14:05:00.007-04:00

The Toronto city workers strike is well into it's 5th week. Today the VIA locomotive engineers went on strike as well.

In a recession, when many I know are currently out of work, I understand the frustrations I've heard from many around me - that the workers should be happy to have a job at all, that now is not the time for economic greed, that children can't enjoy their summer because the pools are closed, that the unions are not being reasonable in their demands.

But what stands out most for me, is that these complaints come from people who lead middle class lives. It is hard for me to understand why middle class folks complain that working class folks are fighting for better job security, for better pay, for more respect in the economic market. As with everything, strikes are never the fault of any one party - everyone plays a role - but there are issues of classism at play and we must take the opportunity to challenge how we make decisions about what we deem as valuable - who's astronomically high pay cheque we shrug our shoulders at, and who's incredibly low pay cheque we think of as 'just the way the world works.'

Unions are about trying to balance economic disparity - an especially important task in an economic system where profit trumps all else. Big businesses, and even the government, are quick to say that they can't afford to pay more, but they themselves are earning a higher salary, often significantly higher, with better benefits and better job security. What they're actually saying is that the workers don't deserve more - and this is where classism comes in with a heavy hand.

We quantify the worth of a job based on level of education and level of responsibility, but the truth is that we depend on everyone's work to make our society function. If this weren't true, then strikes wouldn't impact us at all.

I wonder what would happen if we created an economic system that put people as the priority, rather than profit. I wonder what we would be able to afford if we valued work not by responsibility but by contribution.

Outside In

2009-07-17T11:51:00.006-04:00

I am continually amazed at how common it is for brilliant woman to feel that they aren't smart. Even successful, talented women with a track record to astound seem to often have a buried feeling that they aren't smart - it's like a tape recording that plays no matter what the reality happens to be. But I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't have this in some way, and for most of us, it prevents us from living the big lives we want.

This phenomenon has a name. It's called internalized oppression and we all have it. It's the ways that we have come to swallow the inaccurate messages about our constituency groupings, the ways we 'believe' the content of prejudice and discrimination. These messages must have been instilled in us before we could figure out to fight them because we can all verbalize that we know they aren't true - but our actions play them out nonetheless, over and over again.

Women who sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of men. African heritage men who don't expect to live past the age of 30. Jews who isolate themselves. These are not actions that deserve blame. These are behaviour patterns that come from internalized oppression - that women are responsible for men's lives going well, that the lives of African heritage men are disposable, that Jews are unwanted.

The way out is to contradict the messages - to always encourage the women around you to be responsible for their own lives, to show the African heritage men around you that their lives are valuable and important in every way, to tell the Jews around you that you want them there.

Every form of prejudice has many messages that we play out despite our best efforts not to. We need others to be our allies, and we need to be allies to others. None of us can do this alone.

Michael Jackson

2009-07-12T19:39:00.006-04:00

We give up on people.

We gave up on Michael Jackson a while back. It's only in his death that we can look past the ways we didn't like his behaviour and just enjoy his talent. But we do this all the time, with each other.

I've certainly done this quite a bit. Most of my teens and twenties involved traveling through social circles, landing in relationships and then taking off again, giving up on many along the way, almost always with judgment - either of them or of me.

But giving up on people is not going to help us end prejudice, it actually makes it worse. Prejudice, in every form, separates us from each other. If we're going to fight it, we need to fight for each other, not against each other. We need to be each other's ally.

By this I don't mean that we should convince others to do what we want them to. Nor do I mean that we should sacrifice ourselves in order to 'save' or enable others. These give up on ourselves.

What I do mean is that we need to always find ways to reach for people, to know that we're on each other's team. It means we believe that people are good. It means that we want to build a revolution that leaves no one behind.

This is a group effort. In fact, it will take all of us. And if we need all of us on the team, then we can't give up on anybody. Ever.

The Subtleties of Prejudice

2009-07-06T18:50:00.001-04:00

There's a certain way we think that if it isn't the Holocaust - it's not anti-Semitism; if it isn't lynching - it isn't racism; if it isn't rape - it isn't sexism. For some reason, we think that unless it is a purposeful intentional (often violent) directed act of prejudice, that it somehow doesn't count.

The nice part of this thinking is that we give people the benefit of the doubt. "Well, he didn't mean it that way, so it's ok." Except that it's not ok. Prejudice exists most pervasively in the subtle unintentional crevices of human interaction and it is there that we need to shed some light.

There's a great scene in the first season of The Wire that demonstrates this. Officer Greggs has been shot. At the hospital, the police reporter (a white man) is questioning Lieutenant Daniels (an African heritage man) about the shooting. As they speak, the police chief (an older white man) assumes that the reporter is the lieutenant and comes to console him. When the reporter corrects him, the chief turns his glance to Lieutenant Daniels and sizes him up before continuing his previous comment of support for the injured officer.

The police chief did not intend to act with any racism, but he did - very subtly. Had anyone said to the chief, "Your expectation that the Lieutenant would be white was racist", would likely have been met with denial, or perhaps defensiveness. Neither reaction will actually help him examine the racism he has nor will it aid him in eradicating it.

But if we actually want to eliminate prejudice, then we can't ignore it either.

So how do we move forward? How do we call each other on these subtle forms of prejudice in such a way that invites rather than condemns? How am I meant to respond to a well-meaning man who dismisses my thoughts quickly while listening to the opinions of all the men around me? How can we flag the anti-Semitism on the Left without negating valid criticism of Israel? How do we interrupt a gay joke that comes and goes so quickly?

It seems to me that we must start by acknowledging two simultaneous truths.

The first is that in cases of subtle unintentional forms of prejudice, the 'perpetrator' doesn't want the oppressive messages that s/he has - the ones that play in our minds even if we don't want them to. We are often unaware when those messages come out and helping each other get rid of those messages is something we actually want.

The second important piece is that none of us were born with the oppressive messages we have. We learned them - likely before we knew what they were. The fact that these messages play in our minds is, therefore, not our fault and we are not to blame for them. Still, we need help unlearning them.

Perhaps with these two points in mind, we will find ways to call each other on the subtleties of prejudice as we see them - and without blame. Not that someone is sexist, but to help someone see that sexism is at play.

Why the boycott Israel movement won't work - even if we want it to

2009-06-30T20:50:00.009-04:00

Current Israeli policies dealing with the Palestinians are an outrage and need to end immediately. Human rights violations need to stop at every level and the Palestinian people need a country to call home.

The path to making this happen must include being allies to Jews and Israelis around Jewish oppression. Here's why:

Jews have a history of persecution, oppression and prejudice. We have been isolated and forced to emigrate for generations. We have been targeted for destruction and killed in mass numbers. We have been blamed for many of the world's problems, none of which are actually our fault. This history has a tendency to cause Jews to think that others are out to get us and that our survival is always at stake.

It is also important to mention that, unlike most other forms of oppression, Jewish oppression comes in waves. Jews have had periods of relative prosperity for decades at a time between bouts of targeted violence. Because of this, it is common for Jews to feel that no matter how well things are going now, the worst is around the corner.

To fight anti-Semitism everywhere it exists, particularly on the Left (and yes, it is there), is what will help move things forward - here in Toronto and around the globe. The fight needs to work both ways. This also entails calling an end to terrorism and the violence that comes out of the Palestinian territories. While Israel's infrastructure is enormous compared to that of the Palestinians, Israel is a Jewish state and to ignore Jewish history will hinder any efforts to make things better.

When Jewish survivalism and fear kick up, many Jews (and often the Israeli government) will come out fighting - and much of current Israeli policy toward the Palestinians comes from this stance.

The boycott movement seeks to disenfranchise, harm and halt Israeli businesses, academia and cultural organizations. This feeds directly into the fears that Jewish history has wrought and furthers the perspective that Jewish survival is on the line. The boycott "proves" that everyone is out to get us. This furthers the exact Israeli policies that the boycott is trying to eradicate. That's bad strategy.

When Jews feel Jewish oppression lurking, subtle or otherwise, it can feel that our lives are at stake and the likely response is to fight. When Jews feel that we have allies who are committed to the viability of a Jewish national identity in equal measure to a Palestinian national identity - only then will the conversation be feasible, only then will we have the chance to build something better.

Noticing My Own Racism

2009-06-25T23:05:00.005-04:00

I'm currently working on a project with a man of colour. He's Punjabi - grew up in the Maritimes, has lived in Europe, and has no hint of an Indian accent. He's smart, caring and committed to making our project good. He also comes from a cultural context very different than my own.

As a Jew, I have learned the skills of textual analysis, precise articulation of ideas, speaking my mind and expressing my opinions. Jews have a long history of strength in these areas. And these skills demonstrate a particular perspective. They place a value on the specifics of words and meaning. They place the onus of communication on the speaker and the onus of meeting needs on the one in need. These values are very much in line with North American culture, partly because they are efficient.

My project partner operates from an entirely different context. For him, speaking is not in particulars, but in generalities. As a listener, my job is to determine what he means even though it's not what he says. As a partner, my role is to discover what he needs even though, once I figure it out, he will likely refuse it repeatedly. This context comes from a history of communities where relationships trump efficiency.

His modality has been frustrating for me, especially as our deadline approaches. My frustration (and sometimes anger and impatience) is actually a form of racism.

It's not that because he's Indian I don't like him. It's that my expectation that the North American (and by that I mean white Protestant capitalist) way of doing things is the right way, or the only way; that other cultural norms are to be changed, are less worthy, less useful. Changing to fit in is called assimilation and it marginalizes and destroys vibrant cultures that have survived for much longer than North America's current incarnation. Further, relationships are significantly more important than efficiency and being useful should not be the marker of worth.

Still, I get frustrated and when those buttons get pushed, it's hard to unstick them.

The frustration (and sometimes anger and impatience)that I feel is mine - it's not his. He isn't doing anything wrong. He's actually doing a great job of bringing his cultural norms to bear in his life. (Something I could learn from as a Jew.)

It is on me to discover how my buttons were created - to unlearn what I've been taught, explicitly and implicitly, about my way of being over other ways of being, of my context over the context of others, of me over others. It is on me to disarm my own buttons, not on him to dance around trying to not push them.

This is what it means for people who are white to work on eliminating racism.

A question about Jewish identity

2009-06-22T23:33:00.005-04:00

I heard a lecture recently on the histories of the Jewish communities in Montreal and Toronto. The presenter asserted that in Montreal the Jewish community was isolated and as a result maintained strong Jewish identities and built Jewish culture and creativity. In Toronto, however, the Jewish community integrated into mainstream culture much more, but as a result assimilated, loosing much of their Jewish identity and cultural creativity.

I know that there are aspects of my own Jewish identity that I only show when I'm around other Jews, parts of myself that I often keep hidden. There are aspects of my Jewish practice, of my ancestry, of my life that I feel uncomfortable sharing with non-Jews. The discomfort seems to be a fear of being thought of as weird, as strange, as not-too-cool. Also a fear of being attacked or disliked for my Jewishness, fear of being a bother.

But this thinking prevents me from living my life as I want to. It is thinking that is stuck in a fear that is very very old.

I wonder what would happen if Jews were to be fully integrated in society and still strong in our Jewish identity and creativity. I wonder what impact that would have on Jews, and on the non-Jews around us.

What's Straight?

2009-06-18T22:30:00.003-04:00

Recently, I found myself telling some of the sex jokes I know. Nothing raunchy or degrading, just anecdote-type jokes. But as I was telling them, I noticed that every sex joke I know is based on an assumption of heterosexuality. As I looked around the room and noticed people I’m close to who are not heterosexual, it gave me pause.

Some of my jokes can easily be made gender neutral, but there is an issue that runs much deeper than political incorrectness. Homophobia is forceful and isolating, not just for those who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, but for all of us.

I am a heterosexual woman in a committed relationship with a male partner. Still, there are times when I would love to snuggle with my female friends, be close to them, not in a sexual way, but in a loving human-contact way, and I don’t because it might feel sexual. That’s dumb. Homophobia is so pervasive that it has wedged its way into limiting and constraining my relationships with other women. I can only imagine how much stronger that pressure is for men who have, to a large extent, had all physical contact with other men deemed inappropriate (except for sports and violence, of course). Homophobia doesn’t only hurt those who are the targets of its venom, it hurts all of us because it dictates who we can have close relationships with (usually limiting that to one person of the opposite sex) and who we can’t get so close to.

It can be quite simple to intellectually disagree with homophobia, to judge with disdain acts of gay bashing and laws that discriminate against same-sex couples. That’s the easy part. My personal work is to expunge those messages that play in my mind, the ones that stop me from having physically close relationships with people of my own gender.

I wasn’t born believing that I shouldn’t hold hands with my friends or hug the females I love. I was taught that, and it’s something I would like to unlearn. It’s something I’d like all of us to unlearn.

Toronto to Brooklyn, and back

2009-06-15T21:34:00.009-04:00

I lived in New York City for 5 years.

There, it is blatantly clear that racism against the African-heritage community acts as the force that keeps racism as strong as it is. Slavery has wreaked havoc on the entire country and there is much work that needs to be done on all sides to heal from those wounds.

Because of this, fighting the racism that targets the African-heritage community specifically is what will move racism the most in the U.S. Here in Canada, however, it is not the African-heritage community who are the brunt of racism, but the Aboriginal community.

White people I've encountered in the States feel so bad about slavery, are so guilt-ridden that racism exists, that it paralyzes their ability to actually get rid of the recordings about race that play in all our minds, whether we want them to or not. What was done to the First Nations of Canada triggers those same paralyzing guilt feelings on white people here.

It is because of this that working on our racism toward First Nations must be the focal point of white work to eliminate racism here in Toronto.

The Beginning

2009-06-11T23:38:00.002-04:00

Some years ago I realized that much of how I see and understand the world is through my vision as a Jew and a female. These two identities are always centre stage.

Slightly more recently, I realized that my other constituency groupings - white, middle class, heterosexual, Canadian - are at play as well, I have just become so accustomed to them that I hardly notice they're there at all.

All of my identities seem to have perspectives or understandings, almost like tape recordings that play continually in my mind. Some of them I hear clearly, others I don't seem to hear at all.

When I began to ask why this is so, I realized that for some groups I am not the target of prejudice or discrimination. As a Jew and a woman, I am targeted for both.

Over the course of these years, I have been working to understand prejudice and discrimination, oppression and liberation. I have been exploring how we build relationships across constituency lines, and within them.

This blog is dedicated to this practice. It is the revolution that leaves no one behind.

Please come and join me.